PTSD

A constant jab of forgotten memories, like a punch to the gut. My heart sinks, my stomach twists, my breath escapes. I shake my head, try to will them to leave but it never works. Like a bee when it stings, you still feel it once it's flown away.

Some days are worse than others. When my mind is weak and I can't fight the thoughts anymore, that's when they're the loudest. Like a constant murmur of voices screaming out all of my deepest secrets, my biggest regrets. I look around and wonder if I'm the only one who can hear them. God I hope so.

I wonder why I still say that. "God". As if saying His name will make Him listen, as if believing in Him will grab His attention. What's the point? If it's true what they say, if this is all a part of God's plan, I don't want anything to do with Him anyway. God is not good to me. And yet, I still capitalize His name and pronouns...just in case.

Ribbons of smoke float around me like blood mixing with water. The clouds remind me of my messy mind. A place where everything and nothing makes sense. I used to be so smart, so bright. I had a voice, confidence, general happiness. At some point it was stolen, and I'm not sure who has it now, but I want it back.

I'm surrounded by familiar, smiling faces. They've got no idea what runs through my head. I've got a thousand reasons why I'm better off dead, and only one single reason to stay alive. What kind of debate is that? I guess it's in the weight of the coin, isn't it?

Now the real question is, which one is more selfish?

Asking someone to stay in a world that they hate? Like forcing an ante from a 2/7 hand; like guilting someone into playing a game of constant suffering they know they will inevitably lose... or is ending your life worse? Leaving everyone that loves you behind, transferring your burdens onto them. Leaving them to wonder what they did wrong, wishing they had done something, when in reality, there was nothing that could be done.

Some of us just can't take this world with a grain of salt like the rest. We ponder and wonder, wandering until our minds go insane and suddenly nothing matters but escaping.

There's nothing you can do. There's nothing you could have done. For some of us, our demons are just too strong.