I don't want to write in Notepad, I want to write in googledocs, or in steemit, or in wordpress. But not in Notepad. Okay, I want to write in Notepad, otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. But I would prefer internet connection next time. Thanks in advance, universe. No I don't believe I can influence that. How come that after so many years of trying to understand the law of attraction, or the law of karma, that one still seems the hardest topic to get clarity on? Ha, my internet connection just came back. Do I trust it enough to start typing in an online document? Maybe Notepad is actually better anyway, since it makes me think less about the people who are going to read it. So I started the stream of consciousness website yesterdag, I posted it on SteemIt as well, and also I allowed the bad-singing-video on my facebook timeline, and also I allowed Peter to post the naked pictures, including the one I felt insercure/judgy about. Great. And then I felt fine, and just some hours later when taking marihuana edibles, I regretted it. Or I felt something about the energy not being right. Do I really have to call that website 'Open & Exposed' and then use a naked image of myself as the header? It seems a little bit outreagous, it seems a little bit 'look at me'-like, it seems, do I really still have some negative stuff around nudity? Or around showing my authentic self? I feel as if I kind of power right through it. I haven't really looked at it, I just know that if I wouldn't have shit, I would just do it, and so I do it, hoping to take some kind of shortcut to shamelessness, to transparency. I want self-disclosure to feel super joyful. Will it in the future? Will there be a point where I feel fully comfortable being and showing myself? I ate to much chippies today. Jordan didn't agree with that statement. Honestly many times when I feel somewhat low, these negative thoughts enter my mind and they seem very valid, but at the same time I know that reality can be perceived very different, and would have been perceived different if I would have felt better. I want to feel good. that's all in life really. I watch a video from Matt Kahn today, it was titled "feel good now" and he said we all have to start pointing out what we're doing right. And the game has one rule: nothing is wrong. I guess I have been feeding myself well. I put enough calories into my body to survive another day. How skillful of me, never ever have I let this body die from starvation, always did I take good care of it by feeding it before starvation would even be close to occuring. Jordan says my stream of consciousness can sound like a fight. For me there's some negative connotation around the world fight, I rather think of myself as peaceful. I'm only peaceful to the point where sometimes I suddenly feel very peaceful for some time, and also I sometimes tell myself: I have ended the war inside, white flag, I put my hands up in the air and I don't mind you (me) doing something else, I have surrendered so the war is over, war takes two. Inner peace takes one. Am I one? Then how am I talking to myself? I defenitely like talking to myself :3 I always try to focus my thoughts positively. Except for when I want to 'dig' or do shadowwork or want to allow my emotions or when I want to go all the way into crying. And exept for when thinking in a mindless matter, but I feel pretty aware of the stuff I'm thinking. Ha ha Jordan walking out of the bedroom naked to find the adapter of his laptop, walking into the public living room with his laptop shielding off his penis. Sex this afternoon hurt. I wonder why my vagina... is tense when it's tense, why it's relaxed and open when it relaxed and open, so many years and still not gifured that stuff out. Do I make progress learning my body? It seems so, at times, and it sometimes it seems as if all that I learned is just useless and pain will keep returning. Okay it's fine, maybe I chose to have this super sensitive vagina just to learn to say no better, to express myself more, to love my body unconditionally. The psoriasis that returned this week has been interesting as well. Amazing how many different perspectives I can find on that. Peters' was defenitely the funniest: all the spots on my skin being a starmap, left on me after having been abducted by aliens. No, I would remember that I think ;). Patience. Always. Unconditional love and acceptance. Today I had an intersting thought: why do I blame my body for causing me discomfort, if it's more probably my mind that has created this condition in my body? Am I not the powerful manifestor of my reality? I wonder whether I will ever get to the goal of perfect health and feeling full of energy and vitality. I should be possible, I hear people saying it's possible all the time. But just some affirmations, or eating and living super healthy don't do their tricks for me. What does? What does...? Suddenly I have to think about Harry Potter. Wonderful how random my mind can be. And I want to eat chocolate. I bought some vegan rice chocolate, that would be nice. It's warm in this room. I feel complainy. I feel gratitude. Feeling paradoxical things at the same time, yes, get used to it. It's already going on for 22 years probably, I might as well accept it, seems the easiest way.