Serenity and Power. Nature has a way of balancing those two opposing energies and creating beauty that moves the soul. As I was meandering the beach picking rocks, I was bathed in the spectacle of this sunset; I just had to record it. The colors of the sun danced on the water and brought my attention to the endless horizon. I felt so small being in the presence of such a huge entity. Both fear and awe took their turns sending currents of what felt like electricity through my body; my hair stood up on my arms. But what thrilled my soul the most was the circumstances that led to me standing on that beach and how I attained my agate of love.

Here are a couple more pictures of the sunset:

Rocky Beginning

For many years and with too many fights to count, my mother and I were never close. It's really hard for people to understand when you try to explain how unloved you feel from a parent. To say we had a rocky relationship would be an understatement and it was readily apparent that we didn’t understand each other. Oh if you asked us individually we would say we understood the other person the best; she was controlling and difficult to please and I was just like my dad (that wasn’t a good thing). I was “disowned” three times with the last episode being the most impactful. Things were so dysfunctional between us that while I was living out of province I got married and didn’t tell her; that didn't go over well. She didn’t find out till months later when I showed up with a single gold band on my finger. The second time was over religion when I changed from her beloved Ukrainian Catholic faith to being a Seventh Day Adventist. It wasn’t only the religion but the fact I became a vegan as well. The third installment was over my leaving my second husband and she sided with my ex in the custody battle with my children. In total, there was a separation of approximately 5 years with absolutely no contact.

Sounds awful doesn’t it? The worst part was the poisonous words that we spoke about each other to anyone who would listen. If you heard us talking you would have never guessed that we were speaking about a close family member. It felt good to gather armies of people who understood what a bitch the other party was and consequently think we were saints for putting up with it. This was the case until approximately four years ago. If there are any of you out there that think things can’t change between you and your parents my testimony may prove otherwise.

It all started with my leaving religion completely and trying to understand what the word faith meant. One bible verse rang loudly in my ears and I couldn’t shake the message, “When the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”(Lk 18, 8). What the world has now is not faith but religion with the focus being on membership instead of emulating their teachers. Enough of my preaching lol. Anyways I decided that I needed to find out who I was and what I believed in. My present paradigm of thought made me miserable and it needed to be addressed. Slowly I took courses that would challenge the way I saw my past and what beliefs I created during those events. As I started to share with my mother all that I learnt she began to sense that I didn't judge her for choice of religion and that we could connect on faith in ourselves and a higher power; transcend religion so to speak. I started to share my insights into my behaviors and when she realized I wasn’t trying to preach or try to change her in any way her ears started to open.

Dawn of a New Relationship

One day we had this conversation that changed both our lives for we actually heard each other for the first time. My mother shared to me what her culture meant to her as she grew up. How during all those horrific times she could turn to her music, food and church as a source of comfort and familiarity. When I left the Ukrainian Catholic Church it triggered such a deep rejection in her because she didn’t see how we could relate without that commonality between us. She couldn’t our relationship functioning without it for she so badly wanted to share it with me. I didn’t see that her culture was something she was trying to gift me since it felt like something she was pushing on me. As for me, I had to explain to my mom that I never lived in the culture to the extent she did. The culture was a lonely and pointless experience for me and one I contributed to spending time with my grandparents only. They lived in a small town of 500 hundred people and I often wondered if they spoke English as all I heard was Ukrainian and I didn't speak it. I found all the pomp and circumstance way too much work and was glad to get back to my big city home. We left all that culture when I was 12 and frankly I never looked back. My mom was devastated with the move and she did try to continue the traditions but the magic was lost with where we lived and she didn’t have the network of people anymore.

Understanding came to my mind as I realized what she was trying to share for it was a very rich, satisfying experience for her. She was incredulous as to why I didn’t want to have any part of it and how it didn’t do for me what it did for her. When we talked I shared with her what the culture represented to me and she started to cry for she finally heard me. Suddenly everything made sense and I told her that I want to share with my boys what her heritage was so that they can also understand her better. The conversation then travelled to our biggest altercation and I was a little nervous broaching the subject. Through some tears and both of us actively listening the true dynamics of the event came into play. We were both shocked at what we thought and sincerely apologized to each other. I was able to speak to her from my heart and tell her what pain I had stored there. That my friends is where the true healing starts. I have done that with my boys and allowed them to empty their hearts of pain to me as I listened to what was stored in there. Another story for another time.

Road Trip

So where does this agate come into play? You have been very patient but I figured telling you the background story would help you to understand its significance. My mother knew that I always wanted to see the ocean and Gold Beach was a place that she went to for years with her fiance. She had a small amount of his ashes left and wanted to spread them there for that was a special place for them. A plan was formed for her to drive the 12 hours to come see me so that we could make the trip. Remember my mother is 75. She drove down and we were excited to go. We packed up after she had a day to rest and headed south. We chatted as we drove and the realization came that this was our first visit together since we became friends. The hours flew and we created memories that we still at to this day.

We arrived at the hotel and I couldn’t wait to go to the ocean. Finally morning came and we set out to rock hunt.

Here is a picture of my footprints along the ocean:

My obsession with ocean rocks came to full fruition as I walked along the shore. My geological knowledge is extremely limited so I was being a total girl and picking the ones based on being shiny or a fun color or shape.

My basket of rocks from just one of my excursions:

My mother mentioned something about an agate but I had no idea what she was talking about. We separated ways and I went walking where there weren’t many stones. A strange rock caught my eye and I picked it up and when I showed it to my mom she got a confused look on her face and stated that I found an agate. I never gave it a second thought and put it in my rock bag.

My precious agate:

Later my mom shared the story of what that agate meant to her. Apparently for four years straight she went to that exact beach and combed it for hours a day in search of such an agate. Between battling the elements and the rock hounds on the beach she came up with nothing. My mother had been studying where to find agates and in arrogance didn’t think that an agate would be over where I was standing. With a decided dismissal she stayed where she was and kept her searching thinking the whole time of how smart she was.

My mom seated at one of her chosen agate searching locations:

This explains the peculiar look on her face when I showed her my agate. She shared how frustrated she was with my finding the rock and how she was shown what damage arrogance can do. The reason I found the rock was because I was innocent and completely open to what was in front of me. This showed me many areas of my life where arrogance keeps me blind. I offered the agate to my mom numerous times and she showed me what a woman of character she is. She believes that the rock was given to me and not to her for a reason.

What really cemented how far our relationship had come was when she was telling me this story. We had just come back from our three day trip and you would have thought we just got together for we were still talking like two school girls. She tried to explain to me how special it was for this to happen and I realized how truly blessed I am. Our past never had these connected moments and I am so thankful that I have them now. My mom has become my best friend who I talk to almost daily. Believe me, if you talk to people just 5 years ago in our social circle they would never believe this could be possible. Like the agate we both tumbled through some very troubled waters to become something precious for now we live in a modern day miracle. Miracles breed miracles and it can for you.

My mom and me headed to the beach:

Today is my first step in believing that miracles can happen.