I am a bit full right now, with fluids that is but at least I am not like in the former years that I am just out of breath anymore. I am amazed that those days didn't killed me considering the time frame of having to endure congestion for a very long time.
My heart is very resilient, the last chest x-ray that I had revealed that my heart is of normal size, imagine that. Maybe it is just a grace of God, or a curse if you want to look it that way because I am still alive right now and still having to experience this lingering torture that I seem to survive every passing day.
I was wondering if I never had a kidney failure. Maybe i am working somewhere someplace, married already and with children. Maybe I never happen to meet you all and just going 8-5 work or just tending my own business.
Maybe I could have been not married at all anyway because of my shy disposition because I am suffering from a sort of mental condition called anxiety disorder which also would be just a symptom of my health condition.
There are actually so many things that I could have done and experienced had it not been for my current situation right now. I am just basically at the mercy of people around me, people that cares for me near and far.
I really do not want to bother anyone but circumstances makes me need to reach out and ask for my needed support otherwise I will never survive my peculiar and rare medical condition which unfortunately is just expensive to maintain.
But somehow life is good to me, I gained a lot of friends around the world, people supporting me in the background which makes me feel so blessed indeed because nothing is like this in the "real world" as some of my friends offline doesn't help that much unlike from this platform where everyone is empowered by the blockchain and offers kindness in many forms for me in particular.
Anyway I think that I will survive for many years more unfortunately because I really am not feeling anything about my heart. While other dialysis patients would complain about chest pain but me I do not have that problem.
But what I am concerned about is my backbone, it had gone crooked so much that I am at risk of having it to snap or break. If that would happen and may God forbid, I just want to die immediately and never to suffer paralysis. So if that would happen and I can still talk I will just try to tell my parents not to bring me to the hospital anymore.
That is the most dreaded scenario that I do not even want to think about because dying without getting dialyzed is so hard that even cold-blooded criminals doesn't deserve to experience it.
That is why I am still trying to manage my bone issues by trying to continually take my Cinacalcet so that my bones would not worse. My plan is not to permanently take this drug and pursue that Parathyroidectomy that will free me from ever taking Cinacalcet that just gives me a whole set of misery in return.
Having a severe appetiteloss is no joke but is the compromise that I have to take in order for me to avoid a more serious situation where even clenching my hands is painful. So I hope that God would bless my efforts to improve my health in that regard and it really will take an event short of a miracle to turn my life back near normality that I am striving to reach. May God bless my dreams and plans.