My Deep Secret:
When I close my eyes, behind the darkness, leaving 'reality' behind as I dive into the depths within, I see a beautiful world enlightened by my strongest desires. It's magically molded into an intricate scene of everything I could ever want but then as if aggressively shaken by an 'Etch-a-Sketch', it shifts and just as quickly as it came, becomes too blurry to make out.
We do that, don't we? Create these elaborate schemes of dreams and wishes and then make excuses for why we can't have them so they slowly morph into nothingness.
There is a strong... haunting... like a ghost that lingers beneath the surface of my intentions and shrieks into my dreams, forever trying to drag me into the world it came from.
That ghost menaces my mind forcing me to confront what the most darkest, deepest, inner desires of my spirit are, tearing at my heart strings and urging me to listen to the never-ending echoes beating through my veins. "Da-dum-da-dum" it pounds together with my heart beat, drumming my attention persistently.
My soul lights itself into a furious fire at the very notion that I might give in and follow this calling, this beckoning from beyond my conscious-built, heavily-guarded walls.
What does it want?
It wants SECURITY.
To be honest with you, my ego is tripping out right now, winding itself up into a ball of INsecurity. As I write these words to you, it feels as though I am unnecessarily exposing myself. It's as if I am lying naked on a dinner table where all of my closest friends and family have come together and all eyes are on me with a neon sign outside saying "Come one, come all and see the spectacle inside!"
I'm wildly bearing myself to you as I tell you my truly secret, secret here and it feels raw and open and TERRIFYING!
Why?
I live an adventurous life of travel, thrill, relentless exploration with more than my fair share of unorthodox ideas. There is never a moment where there is lack of novelty of new experiences.
My societally-influenced brain LOVES the incessant fight for journey. My news-feed is flooded with images of our unimaginably beautiful world and like a surge of lightning in my thoughts, I get this thrilling WANT to go and see and do but that ghost inside eats away at me, pulling at my vision, grasping my ears for attention... "LISTEN!"... she is screaming with all of her might but it's only a faint, barely audible whisper in the background of all the sounds and stimuli around. After all, I don't want to be ungrateful for this incredible opportunity I have been blessed with...
"BUT, LISTEN!" She pleads.
Biologically speaking, my body is attacking me in any way it can to get me to stop long enough to pay attention. The physical and emotional wear and tear of being perpetually in and out of suitcases and hotel rooms and relationships/friendships is harrowing. I'm breaking into billions of pieces and they're floating through the air, out of sight, into the distance.
The crux of it is, I have nowhere I feel safe. Nowhere I feel secure. Nowhere I feel home. It's an illusion.
It is with my ego tied into a knot, in the corner of my mind that I tell you it is my mission to create that security and comfort as I move into the New Year. It is my responsibility and privilege to live the best life possible that enables me to thrive to be my very best me.
If we planted a tree and as soon as it was budding magnificently to life, thriving in its conditions, we ripped it by its roots, carried it far from where it was prospering and then tried to plant it again AND AGAIN, what would happen to it? If it didn't die, it may get strong, resilient and maintain enough energy to survive perhaps but it would not be able to grow in the same capacity as it could if it were allowed to fully immerse itself into the environment, become one with it and forge that unbreakable connection and bond to the Earth.
I'm the tree, and as strong and able as I have become, I don't want to constantly be having to adapt to new habitats. I want birds to nest in me, I want the squirrels to make homes in my knots, I want to grow as many apples as possible!
It's not a secret that I am deeply (damaged) by incompressible emotional trauma that pushed me into substance abuse once upon a time but it is also the fuel to my strength, power and will that propels me on my path now.
I gift this vulnerability that's oozing out of me to the world now as I encourage you to seek your own understanding and listen to your own voices inside.
We don't have to pretend to be perfect. We don't have to be all put-together. We don't have to hide our TRUTH.
I live a life that most people DREAM of and I don't say that to be an obnoxious, ungrateful brat, I say it because everyone has their own drama and their own story and mine just feels it needs to be written- so here it is.
This year is going to be full of me powering through my fears, saying 'yes' to what I need and living in-line with my spirit.
I'm excited to start with my new house, a grounded, intentional space to start on my NOVEL experience of rooting in.
Sending you love, thanks for following along and sharing in the journey with me!
XO, Cece
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