i lit my lucky strike, i can't help but think about how much time we have left in this world. death plagues my mind these days. a friend of mine passed away earlier this week and everything felt so surreal. how could this happen? it was such a shock. there was no warning. it just happened. and i wonder, where do we go once we stop breathing... it frightens me sometimes because i don't have the answers. it's just so strange to see a person alive and moving one second and the next second, that living energy is gone. you still look the same. the body is still there. but where have you gone?

and i have absolutely no idea on how to react to a person's death. it's like this person broke up with you and you can't even stalk this person. we can only speculate where we would go after death. many people believe in heaven and i think that's a good way to think about it, regardless of its validity. some people think that we just disappear into darkness, and non-existence. personally, i think that our living energy is recycled and we go on in this world living in another form of being. not necessarily an animal, plant or even human being - just energy drifting around in this universe.

i realize we are all alone yet we are all one in the world. we are part of an infinite concept, and we will never die. because everything is infinite. we just recycle. everything's a cycle. but all of that don't matter to me. the one thing that matters most is to know that you've lived a fruitful life. knowing that you have brought happiness into another person's life, knowing that you have brought happiness into your own life, knowing that you have made a difference in a person's life, regardless of the extent of that impact. small difference, big difference - what matters is you have helped someone. what matters is you have made the world a better place by influencing negative living energy into a positive one.

we may never be able to resuscitate the ones who have passed, we can only try to colour the lives of the ones who are still here, including your own. there is enough ugliness out there, don't make things worse. everything lies in your own perception. to me, we are one in this universe, at this particular moment and for eternity. we are so primitive yet so advanced. because we live to live, we don't just live to exist.

that's why death shouldn't scare us. it is a part of life. and life is just an infinite cycle of lives. death creates life. life creates death. and it goes on and on. i miss her. i miss her presence in my life. i dislike the fact that i will no longer be able to communicate with her. but she is here. she is in my memory, so vivid and beautiful. she is in my heart and she will live on. of course i will not argue with her parents that her death is an unfortunate one. but perhaps the remorse, in time, can be channeled into something grander. knowing that you've lost someone you loved so much, yet not giving up on love.

i'm sure that all the wonderful souls of the people that we love will be in safe hands in this universe. we are one.