I always thought that I would be a mother. When I was 18, I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) and told by my doctor that I would never be able to have children naturally. For years, I was in denial. I assumed it was something that would change. It was temporary.
I remember the first time that I thought I was pregnant in my twenties. When I took the test and it came back negative, that's when it really hit me that children wouldn't be an option.
I'm 31 now. Nearing the end of the normal fertile window. I cry when I see people with their kids. My jealousy is overwhelming. I am reminded on a daily basis of the fact that I will never be a mother. And even now I'm still grasping at medical straws that leave me weak and emotional after their failure. Each negative test is like a knife in my gut.
Anyhow, I don't write poetry often, but I wrote this poem a couple years ago and thought I would share.
Motherhood
You will be a mother,
my God told me.
You will be a wonderful mother,
my heart told me.
You will be loved eternally,
my soul told me.
You will never be a mother,
my Doctor told me.
When are you going to have kids?
people asked.
When will I be a Grandmother?
she asked.
Do you want kids?
everyone asked.
You're lucky
they said.
So we don't need to use protection,
he said.
I am broken,
I cry.