Hello Everyone!
When the only success is failure it is time to reevaluate everything!
Well, it has been a while since I took the time to spell things out in one of these entries and although I have been writing a lot none of it has been devoted to spelling out the goings on of my adventures/misadventures. If I were to try to sum it up in a meaningful way it would be: I reached a point with sharing my writing where I realized that by and large it is a big fat waste of time given how under-rewarding it is compared to how much effort I actually put into it all.
Before anyone gets their knickers in a wad over the 'under-rewarding' part let me clarify that by saying that in the course of the previous nine odd years I have come to the realization (over and over) that folks find greater 'entertainment value' in watching me struggle than being supportive in a way that alleviates said struggle instead of deepening it. In short, I reached a point where I can no longer bullshit myself into thinking that if I 'just keep trying' that things will change.
So with all that in mind I recently (a few months ago) asked my 'friends' if they would keep doing it... given the resounding failure to secure even a semblance of financial security after nine years of focused effort... and the answer was a resounding: Fuck no! Which of course helped me to deeply examine why I keep trying in the face of such catastrophic failure and my answer (to myself) was quite clear: Because the only thing that I have ever succeeded at is failure... and without it I would not have any success (in that regard) at all.
The saddest part of it all is that I never began 'sharing my life' with the goal of 'financial gain' because honestly I am not a capitalist piece of shit with no higher aspirations than gaining material wealth... and instead saw it all as a vehicle for personal growth and a way to help dissolve the barriers between what my life is actually like... and what folks think it is like from their outside perspective. Not to reiterate the origins of it all (my motivations) here but dissolving the deep alienation I felt between myself and others seemed like something worthwhile.
Through it all I have done my best to remain authentic, not short change myself by 'writing for reader palatability' or to gain 'followers' push a narrative or any horseshit like that. What I learned in doing so is that there may well be nothing more despised than someone willing (and fucking capable of) going against the grain of what others do... because it acts as a mirror to reveal just how shallow many (most) folks truly are.
No judgment there, because I get it that folks love conformity, they love the 'normal' and above all else anything that challenges 'consensus reality' is an obvious threat to the very foundations of not just how folks view the world... but the very tools that are used to view said world with. To those folks I really hate to break it to you but if everyone conformed to 'consensus reality' most scientific breakthroughs never would have happened, no meaningful changes would have ever occurred and by and large we would all still be some form of shit slinging primate focused on mere survival.
To get to my point here, several months back I realized that I had begun writing out of sheer desperation to not have my life implode under the weight of the financial demands my life now has... and well... that realization not only deeply disturbed me... but made me take the time to reevaluate everything and break the cycle before it could gain anymore traction... hence the long pause in making these entries.
Whether I continue forward from here or not, is still 'up in the air' but I did successfully root out the problematic reaction to desperation I had encountered and my poor choice of pivoting to such an unfamiliar stance of writing for money... so I guess that is a 'win' even if the results are inconclusive to what direction I should take going forward.
Anyways, now that I have gotten some of that 'off my chest' I should probably try to detail some of what I have been up to of late and how things are shaping up around the place and what the hell has been going on. To be utterly clear though, I gotta say that I have zero aspirations for building either a farm or any sort of long term investment here... and the bulk of my thinking has been going into how the fuck to get out out from under it and move on to somewhere that I am not surrounded by small minded folks whose sole focus seems to be to make everyone else as fucking miserable as they are.
There are plenty of reasons for me holding that sentiment and given that I have painfully written those things out in detail before... I will not be repeating myself here other than to say that: While I seriously do not give a shit how these folks wanna live, what they believe or how fucking much ignorance they want to wear as a badge of honor... they just cannot practice 'live and let live' in any way shape or form.
In essence, I am 'not one of them' thus I will always be viewed as 'the enemy' which yeah is about as fucking ignorant as it sounds. Occasionally, I do wonder how this phase of my life would have gone had I landed in an area occupied by less small minded folks... but alas I know that spending too much time on that is the equivalent of wishful thinking.
Instead I find myself thinking in more strategic terms like which wall of my eventual dwelling (if I am stuck here) do I line with books and journals to most effectively stop bullets. How do I make sure that my water supply cannot be poisoned. How do I secretly construct a 'hidy hole' to disappear into when they don their klansman robes and try to lynch me... and on and on in that vein... which simply amounts to: Holy fuck I best be prepared for anything and everything because these fucks lack even a shred of morality or ethics!
Alright, I think that is about all the words that I have in me for this post and my fever riddled brain just does not have it in it to keep pushing to spell anything else out. I hope that folks are doing well and all that feel good jazz. Ciao for now.
