Be good, kind, educated and obedient. These are some of the premises with which many of us were trained.
And about being educated and obedient, the message was clear and forceful. So that he would not think badly of me, and always act in a "positive" way before others. I had to give up the possibility and the right to say no . Fortunately, today we understand the value of knowing how to set limits in our lives.
We are talking about a very subtle border between those around us and our own personality.
Let's start by clarifying some concepts. Saying no or refusing something does not make us bad or selfish people. In the same way, always saying yes, to everything they ask of us, does not mean that we are very good and generous.
When trying to understand these conceptualizations, it is easy to get confused. Why? Well, because there are stereotypes or expected behaviors. The expectations placed on us from small, many times confine us or limit us. The important thing is to rescue the essence of the ME . And to know that acting according to pure reasoning and universal love, our actions reflect harmony.
Although apparently, in the eyes of others, we are being selfish, we must learn to say NO
We must establish parameters of balance in our life.
Let's exemplify. Imagine that you work in a courier office. You are dedicated to your job and fully comply with your responsibilities. You have always been the most punctual and organized. And your vacation period is approaching. You've been making fantastic plans for just over a month.
You will visit that beach that you have wanted to know so much. You have already made your flight, hotel and tour reservations. You bought a nice suitcase, a swimsuit and a camera to keep beautiful memories of your trip. You even notified your family that you will be away for a few days.
And you asked them to take care of going to your house to water the plants. You also gave your best friend money to take care of your bill payments.
Anyway. You have everything ready to enjoy a well-deserved rest. You have been a wonderful employee throughout the year. Now you only count the days left to be by the sea, sunbathing and relaxing.
And then, the unexpected happens. Your boss shows up at your office just a day before your vacation and asks you to cancel your plans. Your boss tells you that, due to the workload, he wants you to postpone your vacations until the end of the year. He believes that there is a need for personnel in the company to solve all the pending issues and he says he needs you.
And therefore, it is very likely that you will fall into the temptation to give up your rest. For the sake of your boss thinking that you are the best employee in the world. However, it is right at times like this, in which we must set limits . Say no . Remember that your life and your plans are as important as the lives and plans of others.
If you do not defend your interests, you will be trampling on your personality and generating the false image of commitment and efficiency.
Yes. False image, because in your interior, even if you decide to cancel your vacations, you will begin to keep feelings of frustration. Possibly your boss is very satisfied with you and will speak wonders about you. But you will have to accommodate unnecessary feelings. Feelings that you generated by not knowing how to set limits and knowing how to say no.
It is so everyday for each of us to navigate in that sea of external expectations that many times, we do not really know what is right. Say no or say yes ... who knows?
This issue of knowing how to set limits must cover each and every aspect of our existence. Even with family and friends.
Your family and your friends must also understand and respect your limits
Let's take another example. You just got married. You have returned from your wedding trip and now you enjoy accommodating your furniture in your new home. And you open all your gifts. One of the gifts received is a vase for flowers. It is yellow ceramic and has dog faces painted on its entire surface.
It is also abnormally large, heavy and stupid. To you it seems downright horrible and does not fit with the decoration that you and your partner planned for the house. You pay attention on the gift tag and it turns out that Aunt Lola sent it to you. That millionaire and eccentric aunt. And so picky that there are in all families.
The balance of your emotional and interpersonal boundaries is extremely important.
Now you have in your hands a small dilemma. In any other circumstance you would have thrown away that ugly and heavy object. But in the case of Aunt Lola, the conflict is indisputable. You know that you must keep that terrifying vase in a closet. And remember to take it out and put it in view when the aunt visits you.
When you have doubts I entered in YES and NO, only listen to your inner voice.
ventually that day arrives. The aunt sees her gift invading the table in your living room with all its ugliness and tells you: The vase looks precise! I brought it directly from a bazaar of exclusive pieces in Istanbul. You will be the envy of all your friends to have at home an object so sophisticated and expensive.
Did you like it, right?
I do not know how many of us have been through moments as uncomfortable as this in life. What I do know, is that, in general, we never dare to say what we really think. Especially when the answer to give implies a no . The head fills us with hasty contradictory words. And as they educated us to be kind, we believe that saying that something received did not please us will insult the person who gave it to us.
Maintaining that energy balance between others and ourselves can represent awkward moments.
And in the case of a relative, things get even worse. For that feeling of forced kindness is expected of us, with much more reason before the family.
In short, whether it is about trivial or transcendent things, learning to say no, it is very important.
But it is necessary to face them and say it. At the end of the day, any boss must understand that one of his best employees deserves his rest. And any aunt must understand that her nephews do not stop loving her for giving horrible gifts.
Let's not forget that setting limits also applies to our internal context. You can say no to the possibility of holding a grudge. You can say no , to jealousy. Say no before the will or before dependence or fear.
The limits give structure and delimit the essence of the personality.
As unique beings, some non-established borders must be considered and those already created must be respected. I assure you, at the beginning it is hard work. But after all, it is fair to know how to set limits and know how to say no , that living together with family members, employer friends, etc. It can become fully healthy and very satisfying.
Do not let yourself be carried away by the expectations they placed on you. Analyze your life and your priorities and say NO when it's best for you.