I can say one thing with confidence, things will change. They may not get better tomorrow. If you are just looking for someone to tell how awful your life is, I'm not your guy. But if you're looking for hope, I might be useful to you. Most of my life felt shrouded in a heavy darkness. I didn't have hope. There was no relief, I was offered gods and pills, but nothing changed. Life was bleak, the sun was cold and pale, almost sickly.
A poem changed everything for me. In The Rainy Day by Longfellow, there is a line that changed everything for me. "Behind the clouds is the sun still shining, thy fate is the common fate of all, in each life some rain must fall." Two things struck me. One, everyone goes through this shit. Two, it'll stop raining if I stick around. The sun was only a cloud away. The light wasn't gone, it was just obscured.
So, you don't want to kill yourself anymore, but you still need to heal. So, you do endless circles in your own mind searching for someone broken thing or perhaps a key. You won't find it. Open your eyes, you're looking at your mind. "When you light a fire for someone else, you brighten your own path as well." That's it. Whatever you're looking for.
You will heal as you participate in the healing of others.
Today, you will give someone hope. No one is coming to save you, you're the one they sent. It's your responsibility to make your life worth living. Make the pain worth something. It'll never stop hurting, but can you decide what you suffer for.