It was springtime, and the birds were singing. Nice, big, plump birds that Garfield wanted to eat.
John and Garfield were walking to a formal wear store to get tuxes for Odie's wedding. Odie was soon to be married to a young border collie named Alicia. The wedding was set for May 21st.
"I hope they have good deals at this store," said John. "That last place was a real let down."
"You got that right", said Garfield. "I've seen better suits on Heathcliff than the crap they had there."
As they neared the shop, Garfield stepped on some gum. He tried to pull it off of his foot, ending up with gum stuck to his paws and arms.
"What a mess", said John. Garfield glared at him.
Garfield went into a Quizno's Restaurant to wash up. The boy behind the counter said that the bathroom was reserved for customers, so Garfield bought a few meatball subs. Once at the bathroom sink, he discovered that the gum was deeply matted into his fur. It wouldn't come out.
Garfield scoffed down the subs with gusto, washing it all down with Nestea and some packets of plum sauce he had tucked in his shirt pocket the night before. Soon he was messier than before. Tomato sauce, bits of meatball, and plum sauce nestled amongst his gummy fur.
"We can't take you to the formal wear store looking like this, Garfield," said John. Just then he spotted a laundromat out of the corner of his eye. "Let's get you cleaned up," he said. "Here we go again", thought Garfield. "Am I gonna have to call my lawyer?"
"I'm fine the way I am", said Garfield. "Those tuxe store toadies work for commission and they know who I am. They'll be sucking up and telling me how great I look, even if I am covered in plum sauce".
"Maybe you're right Garfield", said John. "You're the one on all the mugs after all".
"That's right", said Garfield. "And don't forget the t-shirts".
"Hey, wanna get some lasagna?" asked John. "Luigi's is right down the street, after all".
They went to Luigi's, and Garfield ate more than his fill of lasagna. After 14 trays, he lay down with his back against the sticky vinyl booth he'd been sitting in, his bulging belly heaving up into the fluorescent light. He groaned softly to himself as his stomach made strange, unearthly noises. For all his discomfort, he was soon fast asleep.
John waited a few minutes, ordering dessert, and waving his slice of cheesecake in front of Garfield's nose to see just how deeply asleep he was. Even full to the point of bursting, Garfield would still scarf down a slice of cake.
The orange gourmand was still as a stone. John bent his knees, picked him up, and carried him to the laundromat. He tucked Garfield down into a washing machine with some soap flakes and Borax, and threw in a little wheat germ for good measure. Soon Garfield was tumbling around sleepily in suds, as a band of robins and some sparrows laughed outside the window.
Garfield emerged looking very nonplussed. He grimaced and growled, whiskers dripping with soap. "John", he said. "You've gone too far this time." He reached in his pocket for his cellphone, but it was waterlogged and useless. "As soon as we get home, I'm calling my lawyer and cutting you out of my will."
"But look at yourself Garfield," said John. "You're all spiffy and clean, and the gum's gone."
"YOUR gums will be gone by the time I'm done with you," breathed Garfield.
Soon a nice lady with a hairdryer came over and started drying him off. Garfield felt a bit better, and looked at his reflection in the window, pleased to see that his fur was fluffy and glistening. "At least I look great," he thought as he admired himself amidst the continuing laughter of a gang of robins. "Wait till the girls down at the trash cans see my new look."
Garfield took a cab home and called his lawyer. "I don't want John taking another cent of the residuals", he said.
John arrived home, looking contrite and bearing trays of cake and lasagna. "I'm sorry pal", he said. "I should have never thrown you in that washing machine".
"It's OK", said Garfield. "Let's have some cake and bury the hatchet".
Garfield and John gorged on pasta and cheesecake until they ached. Soon John was lying on the couch, drinking wine from a box and crying about his recent spat with Liz the veterinarian. He lolled around groaning, and fell asleep.
Garfield dangled a scented candle in front of John's nose to make sure he was deeply asleep. Then he went to the garage and got some birdseed and glue. He dragged his master out onto the back porch, and covered him in birdseed from head to toe.
Birds began to alight on John's dormant frame, pecking wherever they chose and tearing holes in his J Crew slacks. Garfield chuckled to himself and eyed up a juicy grackle. Just then, Odie and Alicia bounded out the backdoor.
The birds scattered as the dogs ran towards them. "Ruff, Ruff", said Odie. John stirred, lurching up to sit, and gazing blurrily down at his birdseed-flecked clothing. "What's going on!" he cried. "I've become some kind of monster!"
John went to his garden hose, and began spraying himself all over, crying out in desperation as the bird seed clung to his slacks and dress shirt. As he flailed around with the hose and cried out like a hurt animal, an eagle took notice and swooped down to inspect.
The eagle (whose name was Bryan Tonka Ferry Jr.) came in for a landing on John's back, digging in his talons and ripping through shirt and into skin. John cried out in pain, and went running down the street. Bryan followed him into Luigi's, where an angry and devout Zoroastrian cook chased them out with a sink hose and a bombardment of gnocchi and peas.
Covered in peas and desperate for shelter, John ran down the street with Bryan in pursuit. Bryan landed hard on John's shoulderblades and the two careened into a shop window, smashing through the plate glass and landing in a sea of shards and luscious carpeting. Bryan flew away, as John gazed blearily around to find that he was in the formal wear store, with a very prim salesman standing over him and tut-tutting.
"Well", said the salesman. "This is a fine mess. "
Garfield paid for the damage to the window, and bought a few suits. He did an in-store promo event for the shop, as a thank you for their not having gone to the press over John's antics.
When Odie and Alicia's wedding finally rolled around, everyone was excited for the big day. After the ceremony, Odie and his bride were set to jet off on a honeymoon to the Alpo Factory, and then they would move into their new doghouse.
John and Liz, now reconciled, sat together in the church, alongside Garfield and Arlene. Everyone looked resplendent in their tuxedos and gowns.
John cried a small tear as Odie took his vows. "They grow up so fast", he thought to himself. "At least I still have one pal around the house". He reached over and gave Garfield a pat.
Garfield smiled contentedly, stealthily stuffing a few dozen handfuls of suet and birdseed into John's pockets. It was going to be an outdoor reception.
THE END