My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end,
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
But I will let you down
And I will make you hurt
―Johnny Cash
Tell Me Who I Am
The night the perps were apprehended, I slept really well for the first time in weeks. I wasn't sure if the threat was over but Lise was making progress and that was something.
At work, I informed Eve and Henry about the events of the previous day ending with the arrest of the two men. The relief was written plainly on their faces.
"Any news about whether these perps implicated anyone else?" Henry asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. "We'll just have to wait and see what the interrogation turns up."
But from the light-hearted banter the rest of the morning I could tell a huge weight had been lifted off all our shoulders.
I saw Norm at lunch and told him the news. He was ecstatic.
"This is great news, Elias! I was really worried about you and even if these guys are just hired muscle, it sends a message to whoever's been harassing you to back off."
"That's what I've been thinking, Norm―I really think things are going to get back to normal around here now."
"Maybe soon, you and Eve will be celebrating with Sybil and me at The Wheat Sheaf."
I smiled and nodded but didn't want to tell him I was conflicted when it came to choosing between Eve and Lise.
My feelings seemed to change depending on which woman I saw last.
Talk about being indecisive...in that regard, I seemed to have cornered the market.
It was weird driving home that afternoon after work― retracing the route of the previous day seemed to resurrect many feelings of dread and foreboding
I don't know why but I felt Lise was going to drop by and even stopped at Tim Hortons and bought two large coffees in anticipation...or perhaps it was just magical thinking.
When I got to my place there was no unmarked car and I had to stifle my feelings of disappointment, despite knowing how unreasonable they were.
I lit a fire and heated half a dozen cheese croissants.
I even set out Lise's favourite jam knowing I was simply fuelling a fantasy, but somehow it prolonged the expectation she might show up.
In some strange way that was preferable to the sight of the empty driveway and the hollow echo of my footsteps on hardwood floors.
When I completed all the rituals of preparing for company, I sat sipping coffee, staring at the empty seat opposite me and wishing I weren't so romantic that I deluded myself.
And when I finally despaired of her coming, she showed up.
"Did you miss me. Prof?" she smiled mischievously, and was surprised when I took her in my arms and kissed her passionately.
"Guess that answers my question," she whispered in my ear and the soft sibilance of her words was like thunder, rolling inside me.
I wanted to continue but she put her hands on my chest and gently stopped me.
"I need to tell you something important," she said solemnly.
"What can be more important than this?" I smiled.
"Sage Meadows has been arrested. The two men confessed last night and we obtained a warrant to search her house and office. We found incriminating evidence on her laptop and tablet. She's facing serious charges and jail time, Elias."
At first my jaw dropped in shock but as the significance of what she said penetrated my brain, I sank down onto the couch.
I felt as if all the air had gone out of me.
"I admit I suspected her, but part of me was never really convinced she'd go to such lengths to harm me, or threaten Eve and Henry. It all seems so unreal."
"It'll take you some time to process it―that's the hardest part―when your deepest fears are confirmed."
"Why―why would she risk everything to attack me?"
"She's a sick woman, Elias―I imagine her lawyer will argue that kind of defence in her plea."
It was absurd. Sage had recklessly tried to intimidate and almost kill me, but I felt guilty. I was shaking and felt nauseous.
"You're absolutely sure she was behind all of this?" I asked.
Lise nodded. "I know you had a relationship with her and part of you wants to deny it, but the confession of the two men and the clear evidence of guilt is inescapable. She wasn't intending to stop."
I think another reason why I felt guilty was because of my feelings for Lise.
I felt our flirtation was inappropriate―that we had crossed a boundary.
Maybe Sage's view of me actually had some credibility―not that it excused what she did, but it did raise the question of whether I was really suffering that much.
I mean, Lise had to push me off of her. I must really be super insensitive.
She looked at me closely. "You're blaming yourself, aren't you?"
I nodded and hung my head in shame. I wanted to puke.
"It's not your fault, Elias―you're the victim. You know what?That's the problem with you―you're just so damn vulnerable, women want to hug you―myself included. I shouldn't have given into those feelings, but I did."
"I'm sorry," I moaned.
"Stop! Don't go there. I'm trying to be objective and you make it so damn hard. Why don't you just be the selfish prick Sage claims you to be? It'd make it a lot easier on me."
"What are you saying?" I asked.
"It's not going to work for us. I deluded myself into thinking it could, but we're from two different worlds and we'd just end up hurting each other."
I hated what she was saying but part of me understood.
"I've got to back off, Elias―I've gotten too close. You know what? I saw Eve's face when she looks at you―it's the face of a woman in love. She'd be good for you―I wouldn't. And you'd just end up hurting me and blaming yourself."
"So, you're ending this?" I croaked.
"I don't want to, believe me, but I know myself. You and me together would make a world of hurt and I couldn't hack that."
She got up and went to the door and paused a moment, to look back sadly.
"Take care of yourself, Prof."
And with that she was gone, taking part of me with her... leaving me alone.