Dear Diary,
It was a while before that I realized I had been sitting and thinking about life, profession,family and friends.Until just two years ago my worries were about what career to choose, how to tell my parents I was not aiming to be a doctor but a social scientist ; I was worried about my grades and about my best friend who thought I was too full of myself; I was worried about how my parents would react to the idea of me never getting married; I was worried about whether I would get into the university of my choice or not.
I was also worried about my family finding out about my views on politics which didn't quite adhere to the ones they brought me up with.My worries, as vague as they were, were minute and revolved around my entity. Now that I was on the verge of graduating, and with the "Rishta Aunties" haunting me with matrimonials every now and then and chauvinist of the society devouring down my career oriented plans with their traditional beliefs of "Gol Roti" being my ultimate ticket to a successful life, I was worried about my future, the life beyond me, the economic burden of my family to be shared, the impending marriage and extension of my life, the dilemma of not knowing how to make a "Gol Roti" and worst of all, the uncertainty of whether my choice of a life partner would respect and support my goals in life.
I was concerned on whether my job was giving me enough to carve out a future for me; I was worried if I had enough time to reach the ever planned goals in life of making a professional name out of me before I crossed the barrier of a "Jawan Larki"(young girl) and entered the "Larki ki umar zaada hai"(the girl is now too old) zone.And worse of all worries was that of my mother who kept on nagging me with her frustration about me being a non-serious girl who should rather focus on housekeeping now instead of papers,books,projects,field trips and deadlines. And then there were friends complaining I had no time for them, there were buddies waiting out for me on birthdays I could never make it to, people who I played with, gossiped with waiting for me to show up on the surprise birthday party they had planned and ended up not talking to me because I was "too busy" to show up at a "Lame party of friends not serious about life". And that's when I realized I had grown up and more than that, the deliberate pressure of responsibility and career I had taken upon had me near to an internal explosion;an explosion of emotions, trauma,tension,fear,joy of impending success and independence.And that's the kind of thing we should both fear and relish.Fear because the tumult of emotions is not easy to manage, it may lead to initial stages of anxiety and/or purposeless rage but sooner or later, the idea of growing up and becoming independent or nearing the goals planned forever envelope you with joy.This cycle of fear and joy repeat every now and then, every time the intensity doubling.
When I speak to friends or colleagues elder than me, they tell me this panic and worry is a thing of just the early years of growing up and years from now ,I will get used to it. They don't console me that life will get any easier but instead tell me to brace myself for worries bigger than this which will keep on getting bigger.
It's not that life becomes worse with time , the joy is in bracing the worries, facing the challenges and coming out scarred but successful.For me, this worry, change and panic has brought me a freedom, a sense of liberty and an aura of being a free bird, free to make my mark on the world and a chance to prove my mettle and as worrying it gets with time, it is all the more enjoyable, a ride of thrill.
