I think growing up not knowing how a healthy relationship looks like, made me struggle in my relationship. Furthermore, I also think this is a common issue for someone who is growing up surrounded by failed relationships. Perhaps, we are haunted by the idea that we'll have to go through the same painful situation. We tried our best to avoid the similar situation but what if our self defense mechanism simply direct us towards the same situation?
I have so many fear and one of it is a failed relationship. I avoided relationship at best but there's a man who convinced me, having a relationship is a great idea. So, I signed up for that and soon I find myself to be crazy in love. I was previously never been in a serious relationship because a commitment was a grand idea that I can't promise to keep. But him, was an exception, I made a commitment and we try to build our future.
Long short story, for several reasons we have to be apart from each other. The communication that we have is not very effective anymore. Sometimes, we have misunderstanding and I, begin to develop a trust issue. My partner loves to stay at home, play games and it is I who can't even stay at home yet ironically, I was the one who have the fear that one day he'll wake up and feel different.
I say it all over again that my current relationship is an exceptional. It was such a plot twist, everything was happening very quick, we both were madly in love. I used to not care about romance and cheesy things a couple do but, I left them in a past tense. I suddenly cling myself and hand over my future to this man. When the relationship turned south, my fear was taking control over me. And I was suddenly fearing, he was going to leave at any moment. While I know of fact, he is always there at any situation.
A dearest friend was also mentioning an irony of my life, and I thought that time, it doesn't make sense. Now I truly get it. The conversation was something like this,
' Why do you rightfully expect a God and demand that His story and plan be logical but when it comes to love between you and the boy ... well it can be as illogical as possible? -
I told Z, Love and God are abstract matter (at least for me). I can not see them but I perhaps can feel them. I still see the God and its culture as one instead of separate matter. I think I slowly shift my thoughts to finally distinguish between them. And Love has tradition too, and there is part of me that still expect, some of love tradition even it sounds dumb. In the end, If I ask someone to prove their love but I can't feel it, then it's pointless even if they send me flowers, chocolate or things I like.
Yet, still driven by my fear, I started asking my partner the same questions all over again.
Each day I ask, whether I was still involved in all of his plans. His answer was the same ' You know it'. I might know but odd enough I was never sure of my own answer. All I ever wanted was some sort of reassurance but the whole situation made it sounded as if I was doubting on him.
My fear was driving the relationship to the point that every answer is a question. I learn the hard way, that if I keep on having those fear, I would be exactly being what I try to avoid. We're learning each day and it's been great so far. He put up with my issues(s) and I put up with his. All I know, relationship might not always be like those crafted stories I read and watched. Last thing, the only thing I can say is never let the fear take control over us. Not only in a relationship but also, in every aspect of our life.
