I should’ve known it wasn’t going to be the best of days. For a start, the endless, grey, ever distorting road I was walking, was really pissing me off. Add the swirling, headless skeleton vultures swooping about and the half monkey, half alpaca sitting on my shoulder, explaining the advantages of keeping all communications with the inland revenue, should have highlighted it to me.
Anyway, there I was, considering putting up an argument between keeping email and printed copies of foretold letters, when, fuck me sideways, Satan appeared.
“Typical”, I thought. I had half a bag of cheese balls in my pocket. I was just going to get them out and share them with Lionel, the fucking, weird alpaca/monkey cunt, as a bribe to see if we could end the conversation but there was no way I was going thirds! It was only half a bag!
“I’M HERE FOR YOUR SOUL”, said Satan. I looked at Lionel. He looked away and started whistling. I think he was whistling “Love Plus One” by Haircut 100?
“Fair do’s”, I said, fumbling in my pocket. “I have it here somewhere and I have been an awful cunt.”
As I was fumbling, I gave my penis a few strokes and gently prods to aid it’s arousal. Truth be told, I already had a “semi” the second Satan appeared. Don’t ask me why?
“Aaahh, here it is!”, I said. I pretended to reach forward to hand it to him, but just as I did, I feigned a trip forward and made out like I had dropped my soul behind him. Satan, being Satan, the soul obsessed fuck he is, quickly turned and bent forward, frantically searching for what I’d dropped. I took my chance.
I rammed my ,now, fully erect penis deep into his anal passage.
“EEEeeePPP”, screamed Satan. He tried to pull away but I grabbed some of the scales around his hips and one of his horns and thrust in deeper. I’ll give him this. He put up a good struggle, but soon I’d got into a stride and was pounding the fuck out of his arse. At one point, I started slapping it but gave up as I realised it couldn’t get any redder!
Lionel had jumped down, by this point, and was now spectating with some of the headless, skeleton vultures. They were sharing my cheese balls. I say sharing, Lionel was eating them and occasionally thrusting one down the nearest vultures neck hole.
Strangely this seemed to heighten things and before long, I let out a huge, animalistic howl and came deep inside Satan. I threw him forward, off my pulsating penis, on to the floor. He crawled forward a little, then, as he turned, I could see the tears in his eyes.
“HA! I FUCKED YOU SATAN!”, I screamed,”How’d you like them apples motherfucker?”
I looked down at him again. Now, I felt a little sad. He looked so vulnerable and broken. Crawling away, trying to cover his arse with his hand, still crying.
I looked over at Lionel and tutted. Lionel had lost interest and was trying to fish a cheese ball out of one of the vultures necks. I did up my trousers and went and squatted down next to Satan.
“Look. I’m sorry man.” I said, “I just got carried away. In fact, I don’t know what got into me? You appear, with the whole “soul” thing. One thing lead to another and…….?”
“Fancy a pint?”
Satan looked up, wiped his eyes and smiled.
Three seconds later we were sitting in The Coach And Horses on Greek Street. We had a nice pint of extra cold Guinness and agreed to forget about the whole thing. Lionel and a couple of the cooler headless, skeleton, vultures came to.
Which was nice.