First of all, welcome.
Despite of this not being original content for whaleshares (yes, I've been doing that for a while, but will stop doing it because the community of people I thought were engaged with my content was a mere illusion), this will count as "spoilers" for my book (one part or maybe the whole thing will be in an original chapter). For those ones who are curious about the reason I have this particular username, I'll get you an indirect answer in this particular post. But first, some context.
My destiny
Not too long ago I posted a PPV piece of content in which I give my readers and followers a clue about my destiny in a funny Back to the Future quote, I won't say which one.
A reason to be angry with people who claim to speak English
It had been a long day and a long time spent together, I was a hundred percent aware and in use of my mental capabilities when she asked me. It would have been something awful to refuse, so, I accepted to comply with my newly imposed destiny; vaguely, I must say. By the time, I got there in such a hurry. I had lost all my money, had nothing on me but half a paycheck and completely lost in translation, at a foreign land. While cuddling on the bed, I threw some hints of my terms to carry on with such destiny. I used my slowest, clearest voice, good tone and perfect eye contact with her. After some words I procured to make a pause to ask whether my message was being received. I interpreted a positive response based on her constant nodding after my question. But it wasn't enough. I should have asked her to tell me in her own words what I was saying. Who knows? Maybe it is time for me to start doing that, no matter how offensive or annoying I can get.
[...]
On the first days after returning home, our "chat while I'm working" routine reincorporated back into my life. I still had an income and security back then and thus, I even suggested to her for us to escape for a weekend anywhere. But she wouldn't move until I had completed her proposal. The more I asked, the more she replied to me. And so, she was starting to trim the timeline and make me comply in just a fraction of the time. At first, I thought it was some sort of joke. But it wasn't . And as days went by, the deadline reduced to a sooner time. There was no feasible way to follow that schedule. She was so angry at me. "Why do you have the money to make future plans and not to come in the present?" "The time" I used to answer. But she never understood the concept. One day it all exploded in my face. You could easily tell when she was angry by how her sentences lost any kind of sense, however, what I could rescue from it, was the fact that my terms and her terms were very different. Maybe my blame falls in the fact that I spoke but nothing got out of her mouth. Maybe I wasn't open enough to receive a message. But still, the telephone was clearly broken. I'll never know why did she wanted to do it so early. She even let me win that discussion about doing it so early in the year, but I could never win that other discussion. Despite I constantly exposed to her the fact that I didn't have that much money. She wanted me to keep a promise that I couldn't deliver.
[...]
The breakdown
When that person is "the one", people shouldn't be scared about doing so, I just felt I was coming along in Psyche's procession to the peak of the rocky crag. I fell into a serious depression. There were a lot of things I wanted to do in my life. Not to follow a daily 9 to 5 (7, actually) routine. I was really in pain when "all my little plans and schemes" were becoming just a bunch of "broken dreams".
[...]
After the trip, my boss was crazy about the fact that my work started to pile up because of my absence and he wasn't letting that go. Although, in the end, I owed him so much for even getting the exception that allowed me to get to her in the first place, there was no way that he could use that to enforce me to work more because of that. One day he decided to confront me on all what I've done, all my faults. I was taken out of the premises, and, once we got a few steps away from the building, his face turned completely red and the yelling had begun. He wouldn't give me the chance to state an argument. It is not like I could say I was innocent about all things that he accused me of. I am guilty of not complying with my work, even when my purpose not to do so was to build a new more streamlined way to get my job done. All those efforts were constantly squashed by the daily activities of my position, which had nothing to do with my KPIs. I didn't have a chance against my all knowing, highly experienced boss whose methods weren't helping me or the company to advance technologically. Standing for my job was the only thing I could do. But the decision had already been made. I really had no say. After this, he gave me the political treatment "The company is keeping you till you find a new job". I wasn't mad until I heard those words. Questions like "Who will hire me in this line of work after this?" "Do I even stand a chance?" were all over my head, but the most important one was: "Do I still want to carry on?".
There is a condition called the "impostor syndrome", which is usually experimented by the most competent workers in office environments. In short, it is anxiety about not being the appropriate person to take the responsibilities of a certain position.
To me, this is not the case. I am an impostor. Despite of having 2 years of experience on the field, there are a lot of experience I'm lacking. And this job was far from being the kind of labour that I'm used to. You could argue with me that "you have to get out of your comfort zone", but the truth is that I was always out of my comfort zone, I did the job, despite I was always freaking out.
Despite that and all the extra time I did to compensate for my faults wasn't enough. Now, add that to the pressure that she was putting on my shoulders. I just wanted to go Jason Russell and I did it...
...partially.
What really happened is that I decided to do the most revolutionary, yet counterproductive thing I have ever done in my life. If I had done this seven years ago, I would have considered a gift. Currently, a potential recipe for disaster; I resigned my job. Couldn't stand them to act condescendingly with me, couldn't stand to fail again, more when my hope was so low and getting way lower. Was it a defense mechanism against the imposition of her ideas? Maybe.
[...]
One of the key traits she has her jealousy. Don't know what makes me so attractive to that kind of girls. In one of our discussions she sent me this biased speech. Certainly from a person that shares her morals and probably the same religion.
https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2287961704851615&id=1557825057865287&
On this, there are some points that I'd like to discuss.
I'm not against the theme and character of this video, it was really prophetic on the way they talk about the "Don't promise anything you can't keep", or something. Despite of the fact I was almost forced to keep that promise, even though I knew the greatest probability would be here. I know I should have been stronger. But she lives in denial. What awaits my future life with someone so unwilling to listen?
The cherry in the cake is evidently the fact that she's really young and inexperienced. She would have been the ideal woman to me if she were more mature with her emotions. When getting experienced in the arts of loving, you become less anxious and more focused about what you really want in a relationship in regard to the emotional fulfillment. She knows but little of this. After listening from her that all her days are "blah!", I don't really know how am I preventing this when she's by my side, much less, if she's not getting infatuated with another guy. I swear I'm not saying this out of jealousy, but, how can she be so sure about being faithful to me? One answer is "day by day", I'm very aware of this. But I'd like to take this as a rhetorical question and provide you with the following approach: she really can't. No matter what she says, it is uncertain and we only depend on trust to get a grasp. But she's so inexperienced. Experience is not equal to fidelity, but again, I would have been way more eased if I heard the following from her: "After all the relationships I had with other partners, I have determined that you're the most caring, attentive, loving guy I've ever been with. I don't think there can be other like you ever in my life. So, you're the one for me".
This video is wrong about the fact that men just cheat for physical dissatisfaction, there are others like me, finishing last, that strive for the emotional fulfillment in life. Despite everything we're only having a day by day.
[...]
I'd like to think that I can get up, that I will get up. I have mentioned a syndrome before, and the thing is that I'm suffering from an even worse disease and this one has really dissuaded me from carrying on with my writing, due to the success I have gotten so far. "Struggling/Starving Artist Syndrome". I'm still here. There is but one fan that has visited my donation page. I'm really thankful to you. Despite you didn't donate, or shared, the "like" means so much to me. This is why I dedicate this post to you. I wish there were more like you out there. Thanks and best wishes to you.
August '19 Update.
Two months ago, I started with this, one of the last posts on my whaleshares account. The fact is that my Starving Artist Syndrome makes me kick on things I haven't had the privilege (despite of rewards) to carry on with. Fact is that I wanted to tell my story. It will come to light no matter what. Even if I won't make money out of it ever in my life.
After seeing the consequences of her words, she knows her mistake, but the pressure is still on me. So, the spaces to write this are also reducing. I've been devoting to try to make more profitable things. Hopefully I'll be able to improve my level of life. Even to fulfill my promise.
Yes, we had a fight. A really bad one, but she's still not leaving me. I must really be a great guy.
By the way, since I was a little boy I have always dreamed of dancing tap just as Gene Kelly and all those other guys. But I guess I'm too late for that already. Anyway. Returning to my story:
But what makes me so worried here is the fact that she has already made clear that she wants "Uncountable" amounts of money. Wow! that is really a thing I can never promise to her, but still, that's what she's expecting. By the way. Of course the fact I didn't travel to meet her again was a total act of rebellion and she won't take any further promise from me. I betrayed that confidence already and my heart is broken for that. Still, I want the best for her. "I'll try, but won't promise anything, I said."
Well. This is a bit of everything you'll find in my book. Please help me out. She really needs that.
Thanks for your attention. Please don't forget to follow, share and help me.
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