You Want Some Views?

^{I can get you some views.}

^{Warning! This might be that comment that makes you shit your pants.}

Welcome to another edition of:

Fuck This Shit Up the Ass

My name is @NoNamesLeftToUse The Writer/Artist Himself and I'll be your host.

So you want to be successful on Steemit?

Don't worry, bro!

^{I got you covered!}

Hooray!

Thank You!

^{Thank you!}

You're too kind!

Anyway. I suppose I should actually start saying something now. Unfortunately, I'm too goddamn busy rambling on about nothing to be able to make a point.

You came to my comment here to learn about being awesome, like me, and finding success at being a blogger on Steemit.

We'll Get to That!

^Eventually.

Right now, I need to tell you about how shitty my fucking day was.

Would you believe, I woke up today in a glistening puddle of my own piss?

It's True!

^{And now I'll teach YOU how.}

So my fucked up post yesterday didn't do so well. I ended up getting drunk as fuck on my last gallon of bottom shelf vodka. You know the kind, right? It has a thick layer of dust on it. No fingerprints in sight because nobody touches that shit.

I think it's because most of these people are weak little assholes and don't know how to bend down far enough to get the good stuff. I mean, DAYUM! You can buy an entire barrel of this shit for a measly day's salary from your fucking job at McDonald's.

So what's stopping you!

Now, Where Was I?

^{Oh yeah!}

Laying there in my piss like I just climbed out of the pool to win my first gold medal as a special olympian.

Those were the days though, let me tell you. I was the fastest swimmer on the team. People used to get so pissed off with me because they thought I was taking "performance enhancing drugs".

Bitch, Please.

^{This is Gatorade!}

So yeah. If you want to be successful as a writer, like me, you have to act like me.

That means you have a shitty day, you pull yourself out of that puddle of piss that you still can't figure out how you got in and you get out there and you WIN!

Win Win Win!

^{If you want to win, like me, you just win!}

Simple!

Well, look at the time.

Join me again tomorrow when I ramble on about nothing, again, and actually expect you to read my shit.

Say it with me!
^{Be like me. Be like me. Be like me. Be like me.}

Hit that vote button,

Motherfucker!

^{Or I'll fuck my cousin!}

So, how did I do Master Hive account@yallapapi? Did I learn good? Did I pass today's lesson? I hope so!

^{Disclaimer: This was just a joke. Satire. A parody. Some people actually think I'm a nice guy.}

Update: So here I am, sitting near the top of the trending page with my amazing post. Am I doing it wrong? Why isn't anyone commenting on or voting for my work? Was I supposed to buy the votes? Would that have helped? I thought it would work if you bought the votes. It seemed like a better deal if you bought the votes. I feel so lonely now. Do you hear the sad violin song? I do. I'll admit it, I tried hard, but I was never good in school. They used to kick me out into the hallway so I could "think about what I did." I'm following your advice, I think. What sort of engagement were you looking for anyway? Good post? Random memes? I can tone it down I guess. I get excited. I thought this would be fun.