My Mind, My City of Fire

At first it was like a city of glass, now it was a city of fire. Fire that consumed me, fire that drowned me, fire that despaired me. The sky was still blue, but everything around me was red and orange, the colors of the fire that surrounded me. I didn't know where I was born, I didn't know where I started, but I knew what I was looking for.

I was looking for a life, I was looking for a passion, I was looking for a story that never really existed. In my life everything was a lie, my name is a lie, my age is a lie, my thoughts are false; the essence of my existence is false. Most of the time I felt like I was in a fantasy movie, and if I think about it a little bit, I live like a fantasy movie. I don't know what he wants to get from me the fire that is around me, he can't get much; no one can wait too long, because I can't give anything.

No one can expect me to start being honest, I can't be. No one can expect it to be true, because I am not; I have never had any reason to be honest, I have always led a false life; I do not expect anything from myself, and everyone should do the same. That is when you know that you have failed as a human being, when you no longer expect anything because you have absolutely nothing to look forward to, when you run out of emotions, when you have to put your imagination to work to carry on a conversation, when you have to be a nomad because everyone has a different version of you.

I find myself at a point where my past and my future come together, leaving the present behind. I always knew that my past would influence my future, but I never thought I would influence it to such a degree that it would turn my whole world into fire and ashes. That's what I have to drag for the rest of my life, after all, it's something I've been cultivating since the beginning of my days; everything started boasting about things I didn't have, then it moved on to simple things like a love I wanted; when I got a little older, I lied about where I worked, what I studied. Later on she was married to him. It all began with small things and evolved into one big mountain.

At first I didn't lie just because I wanted to, at first it was to escape from my reality, to create a parallel world where I could enjoy myself; a world where I could be as I am, a world where I could reflect my true essence, a world where I could simply be happy; but the reasons were confused, I was not able to separate both things and my world of truth ended up merging with the world of lies.

Happiness does not come bottled up, happiness does not come from lies, now I understand it. Now when I drown in a fire of despair, a fire that is a great hell, I understand that happiness is not easy to obtain, that it is not sold in stores. Now I understand that true happiness lies in accepting what you have and not bragging about what does not exist, true happiness is not creating a parallel world, true happiness is simply a reflection of your identity.

I can say for sure that I am not a happy person, even if it seems so to the naked eye.

That city was my mind, my mind was drowning. I was drowning in myself; it was something that only I had created in a failed attempt to be happy, in a failed attempt to escape my true life. Now I just had to hope that one day that fire would start to die down and set me free; and when that happened, I would just accept things as they are and not try to change them.