First chapter of the story.
Audio at the bottom.
Chapter {1}
{Siberian Northern Lights}
The freezing cold wind howls and shrieks in the wilderness of the Taiga, the crooked branches from a dead and ghastly birch tree slowly scratch the window. My troubled young mind cannot find peace, my unintentional and despicable nature keeps me awake at night. “Little Dima, is a horrendous little monster,” or so the filthy villagers secretly say. It is not my fault that I am what I am. Unwillingly, I’m just a necessary consequence of relative evil.
“You’re a very good boy.” Grandma Olya used to tell me every day, my dear “Babulya.” She’s gone now, winter flu took her away from me. Her warm and merciful words, gave me comfort every day. Naively, I really wanted to believe her with all my heart, that deep inside my wretched soul, I’m good. I honestly wanted to feel that I’m innocent. I’m just a boy with a troubled mind who is an unintentional witness, of all the vile injustice that life is.
I miss my heartless mother, she left me to suffer in this wicked piss-poor village in the forgotten Taiga. She chose dirty oil money over me… it’s my own personal Russian tragedy. I shall never forgive her, till the day I die.
That, is a very vicious and vengeful promise.
I close my tired and teary eyes as I try to fall asleep, but hopelessly my mind cannot let go. My emotionally painful thoughts, deeply torment me. Focusing on nothingness, is an exercise to forget my unfortunate sorrow. It’s all in vain, the vast emptiness that I feel deep within, it tortures me from the deepest corners of my soul. Agonizing endless torment, minute by minute, every single instant of my pitiful existence.
I wish that I had been born rich, and that I had a loving mother who cared about me. It’s everything that I could ever wish for, in my unjust sad life. Unfortunately, capricious destiny has other plans for me. Enervating truth is the evil consequence of suffering, this is what awaits me.
It’s three eleven in the morning. My mind dissipates in sadness and pitiful despair. I completely cease to exist, at least until the next day. I am 14 years old yet, it feels like my life is ending. I don’t see a future, nor a possible scape… it’s all darkness. I wait for the morning, I yearn for a piece of bread in my hand and a glass of warm milk. A wishful and unlikely illusion.
It’s all complete darkness, a never ending and painful void.
I’m a proud Siberian boy, ethnically Buryat, born in the northern part of the republic. My village is next to Lake Baikal and a couple miles from the Uda River. My ancestors have lived in this area for centuries. My people are proud yet… my own personal existence has turned to smithereens of shit and misfortune.
I hate him, and despise him with all my strength.
Everything is his fault, all my pain and suffering is caused by him, my deplorable alcoholic father. There’s never been a more absurdly pathetic man than him. Every day, drinking and gambling our money away, while I’m here starving. All the people in the village look down on us because of him. Everybody laughs at us when we walk past them, the sheer cruelty cast upon us.
I am an innocent victim, I’ve done nothing. I’m just an unintentional martyr, created by capricious fate. This is a life that I would never choose on my own. My father is the guilty one, he’s the one deserving judgment.
I’m just a helpless victim, perhaps like her.
My poor mother just couldn’t take it anymore, she ran away with a wealthy businessman from the city. She left me behind, in this rotten place where not even weeds grow in the dry and desolate fields. How could I possibly continue living like this? If there was a god, he would strike me with thunder and end all my hopeless and meaningless suffering. There is no god, there is only pure evil in this rotten world.
I want to scream as hard as my lungs will allow me to.
There is no point in this, there is no point in anything at all. I should listen to my friends and go work for Mr. Vasily. He is the meanest thug in town, he will make a tough man out of me. At least I will have some food in my belly to alleviate my sad misery. I don’t care what I have to do. I’ll kill if I must.
I will become a thug, I will not fade away that easily. I will prove to all those people that laughed at me that I am not trash. My deplorable father, he will have to pay for all his despicable sins someday. The anger and despair that’s eating me alive from the inside, is the only thing that keeps me alive. I shall have revenge, beautiful and unadulterated revenged in the purest form. With my bare two hands.
I am not a coward, I am a survivor.
Maybe this is all meant to be the way it is, the grandiose design of life. I miss Natasha my mother… and her hypocritical embrace full of emptiness. I will see you again someday, I devotedly promise you that.
An eventful night, full of Siberian Auroras.
In the dark corners of my mind I slowly fade away in to nothing, because… I am nothing. The abandoned boy from the piss-poor village in the forgotten Taiga. Who am I to become now, a righteous man or an executioner of justice? It’s all yet to be seen, because I don’t want to know. I wish for so many things, unreal desires of an innocent mind. I dream of peace and comfort.
Perhaps, motherly love.
Perhaps, just love.