As a mother I’ve always wanted to teach my children to live with the unknown of life. I wanted them to be unafraid to live, to feel at ease with the unexpected because life is unpredictable. In other words, I wanted them to master the skills of life. To master the art of living a less vulnerable to threat life. A meaningful one.
Well, developing a repertoire of such skills isn’t so easy so I will once again remind the core conditions of Rogers for a healthy relationship.
Active listening, genuineness, unconditional positive regard.
Rogers examined the characteristics of a fully functioning person and argued that these core conditions are efficient and necessary in order to help someone actualize and become a person who is high in life satisfaction, has more positive thoughts than negative, has more strengths than weaknesses and functions according to his own values and virtues, consistent to achieving full potential, using creativity, gifts and talents, spirituality and peak experiences towards his personal growth.
We need to build with our life a therapeutic alliance together, a strong bond, let’s say, a growth-promoting relationship. We need to see our life as our partner and relate to it by demonstrating the relationship qualities that are embraced in most therapies.
Demonstrate genuineness means being open to the experience, not hiding behind a mask, not being defensive. In terms of life, it’s the effort to be congruent to whatever happens, to try to handle anxiety, to cry when sad, to laugh when happy, to wipe our tears, to learn to fail, to learn to get up again and walk, to play, to love, to embrace our loneliness, to develop self-awareness, realness, authenticity.
The second condition is that of unconditional positive regard, and it means embracing what comes, even the worse outcome not because you accept it but because you do not judge it. Accept what is means even accepting that you cannot accept. You avoid pressuring life to become something else. You avoid condemning, criticizing, having all the answers. Accept what is without approval or disapproval, accept life as it is. And what more is life than a journey with failures and successes?
Empathic understanding means to try to think of life as a teacher, not a bad one, just a teacher, and try to step into her shoes, to perceive her world through her own frame of reference.
Then we might see a world which has no bad intentions but is made of moments of happiness and sadness, of pain and suffering, of joy, of life and death. Let’s perceive life as a journey, an incessant pursuit of Eudaimonia (good life).
Rogers believes that individuals have an innate ability to know what they need and what is essential for a fulfilling life. A good life means an optimal psychological adjustment, an optimal maturity, an openness to each experience and less vulnerability to a threat. A fully functioning person is constantly in the flow of change since all his characteristics are in process. This person is in process, continually changing as he grows.
Mastering life is a process of movement, (not a state of being) in a direction ( not a destination) which the total human organism selects. (Rogers)
But we can only achieve it if we are well grounded psychologically and if we trust the process.
Trust the process means to trust our own capacity for constructive use of our self.
It means not focusing on the problem but being interested in the person and its ability to find the best way with courage and strength to overcome it.
Increase your degree of positive regard, adjust better, accept yourself, the others and life as it is, be less defensive, believe in your inner capacity to choose right, work towards the growth of your innate qualities and you’ll get there.
Set your goals to achieve how you want your life to be and start the never-ending process of becoming.