Pain was an understatement. I once told myself, “Winning a battle that starts within myself is the hardest.” It was because I needed to fight for my freedom that my inner self took away from me.
This, now, isn't about society's standards nor living for other people. It isn't about walking a different path and forgetting our identity thereafter. This is about losing ourselves while trying to win a battle initiated by the demons living inside us. To cry silently, hoping for some people to hear us, while fighting hard not to fell into the depths of darkness where our depression and anxiety are sleeping, contemplating whether to die or stay alive.
I've been in that stage. Where I chose to exclude myself away from people because I thought I wasn't healthy for anyone anymore. Where my anxiety was at its peak, eating my sanity like a hungry man. Where depression was hugging my small, fragile frame while whispering this single thought I never wanted to happen— the thought of having no chance to bring my old self back.
Losing ourselves because of ourselves is worse than losing ourselves because of other people. It is a never-ending battle that needs not only self-persuasion but also the mental and physical preparedness for what may come because there are a lot of factors why we might be pulled down to depression; the lack of social support, the choice of being pretentious to hide our real problems, losing the reason to live, the unwillingness to fight for ourselves, and other personal reasons that I was not able to put here.
It is harder than we thought, I know.
But tonight, I'm hoping for all lost souls out there to have courage in facing their battles. It may be scary and tiring to face both the same and different shits in life, but never stop moving forward. Find yourself and embrace it amidst the frustrating situations.
I hope you will find the right words that best answer the question, “Who are you?” Because remember, you deserve the warmth of a home, the gleam of real joy, and the freedom from those chains that bind you to doubts and insecurities. You deserve everything because you are everything yourself. So be braver, warrior.