Many people in my life in 2013 pointed out that the accident nearly killed me. The accident was as serious as accidents get and I needed to acknowledge that. I know the end of my life was a possibility during that accident and I will never forget the mistake I made that put me into that position, however the point I was trying to get across to everyone that pointed out how lucky I was to survive, I survived. There was no point to me in getting upset or living in a world of pain because I almost left my girls without a mother. I didn’t leave my girls without a mother. I didn’t succumb to my injuries. I was strong enough to pull through, to jump over another hurdle in life. That is worth celebrating in my book. That is worth saying “I could have, but I kicked butt yet again and I didn’t.” Why try to force me to see it any other way, if the way I am seeing it is making me stronger?
After the accident, although I was seeing life in a whole new light. I was still making the same mistakes again in relationships. I got involved with a guy that acknowledged my existence and wanted me in his life, however he wanted me in his life too much. I had to be at his house every day or I was cheating on him. When I said goodnight, I was to go to bed, if he found me on Facebook after, I was cheating on him. When he got mad, although he never hit me, there was a look of crazy in his eye and I knew if I said or did anything he would hurt me. After a few agonizing months he had ended it for the third time and I took off running and never looked back. In fact, I’m sure a lot of my things are still at his house and it can all stay there. Seeing him again is not in my list of things I want to do.
I ended up dating another guy that had chased me for years. I thought, he sincerely is interested anyway. Why would he chase me and try so hard if he didn’t genuinely care right? We laid our cards out on the table, I said no more kids. I wanted to take care of myself, I don’t get jealous and I expect personal space as well. He agreed with all of this and stated “I couldn’t agree more.” He lied. So essentially, I re-dated my ex-husband for almost a year.
As that relationship was wrapping up and I was healing from the damage. I had no one interested and I didn’t exactly have a very social life style and I thought now, now would be the perfect time for me to lay low. Not get into anything, find me, be a better mother and focus on my school. After all the end of my schooling was coming close and I would be able to look for jobs anywhere in the U.S if I wasn’t connected to a man. I know that seemed silly to think that, but in my experience with relationships if I let them know I applied for a job in another state, they’d say “What about me?” My initial reaction was always “What about you?” But pretending to care for some one that treats you badly was easier for me than the fight that soon followed. My logic makes no sense to me as I type this.
I ended up having a conversation with a man on Facebook who shared a mutual friend on a post that the mutual friend had posted. It was a silly conversation about being mutual stalkers of said friend. He friend requested me and we spoke back and forth for a few minutes on messenger. I asked how old he was he said 71. Although judging by Facebook pictures he wasn’t, I assumed he just wanted to keep to himself and said ok. I asked where he was from he said the moon, I said ok. However, the conversation quickly grew as we talked about cheese and chocolate. I believe at one point I put on Facebook that I needed a shoulder and he was first to message me and let me vent about my issues.
It was weird but whenever I seemed to be close to a break down or snapping, my phone would make the messenger noise and it was him asking if everything was ok. I asked him once “how do you know when to message me, every time I feel stressed you are there?” One day during a conversation about steak, cheese and truffles, he said “where can we go that has steak, cheese and truffles? Coopers hawk. Friday at 7?” I had to work and said no but later found someone to take my shift. We ended up walking around the mall jumping on a bed trying out pillows and talking before we enjoyed our dinner reservations. I had no idea what this was called, a date? Just hanging out?
The decision to get the night off for this, dinner is another decision that I believe sent me on the right track to where I wanted to end up. This man was straight forward and honest. He didn’t sugar coat anything and seemed to be on the same wave length that I was on. This one decision showed me that not only do healthy relationships exists but that there are men out there that give just as much as I do. We started hanging out every other weekend and really started to get to know each other.
There are people that enter your world and turn everything you knew upside down and discombobulates your whole world and you’re standing their eyes wide open and in shock as everything comes together. Things just sort of click and then you have a new perspective on everything. He was that person for me. After being told for years’ things like “don’t count on it, you can’t do that, or you’re crazy” he was the voice of reason that pulled me from the programming I had learned. Our conversations consisted a lot of therapy sessions almost as I started to open up to him about deep secrets I didn’t share with anyone. The way I truly felt about things and people and myself.
His words were always “the math makes sense, you should feel that way. In fact, it would worry me if you didn’t.” He wasn’t screaming in my face about being a horrible person, he wasn’t telling me that I handled everything wrong or even that I was crazy. He supported me mentally and allowed me to fall apart, allowed me to talk through everything and stood behind me no matter what my decision was. A true gentleman in every sense of the word. He insisted on opening doors for me, carrying my bags, paying for everything and when I came to visit on weekends my ex had the girls, he took care of me. He’d let me vent about my week, in fact we wouldn’t do anything until he saw that I felt more relaxed. I felt spoiled and it took almost a year to get used to this treatment. This is the treatment I have always given not received.
He believed in me in a way I didn’t know existed. I didn’t believe in myself even a little, I thought I’m going through school getting all A’s, it’s not me the teachers aren’t grading. It’s not my hard work, it’s they want as many people to pass. I’m not going to get a job in this field, I’m not smart enough. He saw different, he saw something in me I didn’t see. Although I’m still not where he is in believing in me, I trust him so much when he says “it may get bumpy, but everything is totally going to be ok” I believe completely and relax.
He has turned my world upside down and shown me things, I couldn’t in a million years dream of. I decided 2 years ago, to have dinner with a guy, I didn’t know. I can’t imagine where I would be without his support and his in site to everything I have gone through, the thoughts I have about different things. The way he carries me when I feel like I have nothing left. For the first time, I am in a relationship where I can focus on me, where I can focus on my goals in life. I’m not worried about him, do I need to help him, do I have to move in with him or worry about him if I move.
They say you should find someone that makes you want to be better, to live up to what you are capable of. I am so very thankful to have a relationship like this at this juncture in my life. Anyone else would have held me back from the next huge step I take. Anyone else would have bugged me about what about me, what about us? He stood up right behind me and I felt like I could take on the world with his support and belief. Where I failed at believing in myself, he took over and from there I made the biggest changes ever.