Another day, another lesson in the way of the Pizza Guy Debate- The issues of the day were--First- What to name the, yet, still unnamed house. And second- what is the most effective political strategy to ensure the prevention of the nascent balkanization of Eastern European Nation-States.
The second issue was put to rest with a deftly constructed, mere twenty second, existential argument put forth by the honorable pizza guy, Arlo (which true to character, ended with “…Like if you had to”). The other issue on the docket wasn’t as easy to resolve.
The record shows that all house members were present and available to offer house name suggestions as well as register a yay or nay vote. Fellow pizza guys Arlo, Jerry, Xing, and Kevin (on dispatch) were present as well and available for name ideas, but not being residents of the house, they had no vote. The record also shows that non-house member suggestions were mostly of the sardonic and somewhat insulting variety and rather than producing solutions, only produced snide snickers and seething smiles. The record also shows that the author is a practiced participant in prolonged and profuse alliteration.
The record also shows that the fall semester was almost over and the honorable pizza guy, Chuck, a.k.a. “Mister Chuck Luv,” a.k.a. “Forties Man,” was frustrated with the lack of other house members ability to settle on a name and thus finally began offering his own suggestions.
“How ‘bout the Days Inn!” Chuck said. His surprise suggestion gained our attention. He continued, “You know since we live almost across the street from the real Days Inn?” It was unclear why he was so excited about this name until he explained further, “See, but we spell it D-A-Z-E… Then it’s like a daze, you know, like we’re all in a daze.”
“It’s too simple.” I said shaking my head.
Gary agreed, “Yeah, I don’t like it either.”
“Gay.” Rose said definitively.
“Like Marflake’s car.” Gary added.
Chuck pushed the big sell, “C’mon! Daze Inn? How’s that simple? And it’s not gay like Marflake’s car! It’s got, like, multiple meanings. Like a hotel, and like, it’s a place that puts you in a daze!”
Arlo jumped onboard, “I get it! Like Mary Jane’s Cabin on Collins Street! Oh! And you know what! You can shape the sign like a joint and put a red light at the tip like it’s lit!”
“Exactly!” Chuck said, glad to have someone back him up. “See, Arlo knows what I’m talking about. …The Daze Inn!!!!!” He said it like Scarlet O’hara declaring she’ll never go hungry again. Then his eyes changed from triumph to asking if we were with him. We weren’t with him.
Jerry was leaning against the wooden driver’s shelf that ran along the wall. He was absent-mindedly flipping through the college newspaper, The Miami Weekly. Since there was an opportunity to disagree with Arlo and cut more than one person down at once, he spoke up, “Why don’t you just call it Hey, Cops! We smoke pot. We’re dumbasses. Arrest us!”
“Yeah, but that probably wouldn’t fit on a sign. And Rose and I don’t smoke pot.” Gary said, neutralizing Jerry’s comment.
Jerry went back to reading about the proposed rec-center.
Gary flashed him a “sorry, but thanks for playing” smile.
“Well, Daze Inn is my vote.” Chuck said adamantly. He couldn’t believe we didn’t recognize its brilliance.
Gary moved onto greener pastures and said, “How about The Fall In. Spelled I-N-N. Then it’s like falling, but it’s got I-N-N at the end.”
None of us liked it, but we proceeded to go through a litany of names ending with inn anyway. You know, spelled I-N-N. They were as follows: With Inn, Come Inn, Trip Inn, Step Inn, The Fool Inn, The Play Inn, The Rhyme Inn, The Drink Inn, The Just Chill Inn, The Walk Inn, The Run Inn, The Laugh Inn. Jerry suggested The Shit Inn, Arlo suggested The Fuck Inn, and Xing also had a suggestion, The House Inn. Apparently, Xing wasn’t catching onto the whole play on words theme. Inn the end we ended up Bann Inn any names ending with the word Inn.
Other names shot down were: The Post Office (Gary), I’m Cool (Me), The Playboy Mansion (Chuck; this was dismissed by the rest of us out of fear that our lack of Playboy-ness would make it sadly ironic), The Police Station (Me), The Real Daze Inn (Chuck; He wouldn’t give up.), Fenway Park (Gary), We’re cooler than you (me), The Hall of Justice (Gary), Daze of Our Lives (Chuck), The Hall of Injustice (Me), The Hall of Poontang (Arlo), Yankee Stadium (Gary), Wrigley Field (Gary), Four Nice Guys (Xing; the sentiment did not go unappreciated though.), The Shithole (Jerry), Inn Pamela Anders-Inn (Rose), School Daze Inn (Chuck), Loserville (Jerry), Jerry Bites the Big One (Arlo), Daze of Glory (…(sigh) Chuck), The Glory Hole (Jerry), International House of Pancakes (Gary), International House of Poontang (Arlo), Arlo’s House Of Little Boys (Jerry), Jerry Lives With His Mom (Arlo), The Gray House (Xing), Rose’s House of Hedonism (Rose), The Xenophobic House of Pancakes (Gary), Dazed and Confused (Chuck), Oz (Gary), Home Sour Home (Kevin; go back to dispatch, will ya!), Boob Inspection Clinic (Gary), No Fat Chicks (Rose), Boys Town (Jerry), Your House (Xing), Pussyville (Arlo), The YMCA (Jerry), Grey Poupon (Xing; …We reminded Xing that this was an insult, but gave it some thought anyway.), and Intercourse Pennsylvania (Gary).
We resolved to decide on a name by the end of the semester. Otherwise the house name would default to Last Gas Before Turnpike.