7 months ago was the last time I logged in here.
A lot has happened since then, has been quite a ride. I’d like to start by the fact that I didn’t post anything in all these months because I didn’t feel like it. Have you ever felt like there’s something missing? That particular feeling as a lack of motivation, that’s the one who got me.
In case you’ve never read me before (even to those who have) I’m Vanessa, I was born –and raised- in Venezuela, but I moved a year ago to Argentina. As I said before: it’s been quite a ride. I won’t make this about another migration sad story; because at this point I think everyone knows the background of the forced Venezuelan migration, so I’m going to talk about what has been going on with me.
I moved to this country because I was in love. Yes, I was full of love: I loved someone (it’s fair enough to say that I still do) who loved me back, I loved my dog very much (he passed away recently), I was in love with my dentist degree and had my head full of dreams, I was in love with the idea of a “fresh start”.. A year ago I was in love; but not anymore. What happened? The natural course of life happened. Sounds tragic, I know, but in some sort of way it is. These lines that I’m trying to write here, it’s the short version of a self-growing journey, it’s about evolving, becoming more self-conscious and above all, it’s about re-inventing me.
Love isn’t like it’s shown in the movies and I had to learn that in the hard way. One day everything must seem fine, you love and feel loved (at least that’s what you think) and suddenly on another day, love runs out. That’s what happened to me.
I’ve always said that relationships doesn’t define us, and I thought about myself as a strong independent person who needed no one and believed fiercely that we come to this world alone and we don’t need anyone to fulfill us, until I fell in love. Falling in love has been one of the biggest life lessons I’ve learned. It’s funny, because as soon as I got all these romantic feelings and ideals, I forgot what I used to be and what I used to believe in; it’s like someone washed my brain. After a couple of years and a lot of things, my relationship ended. One day the person I used to wake up to told me that it was over, because she didn’t love me anymore; and that’s where the life lesson starts: You must learn to accept and let go.
It’s been hard, getting used to things on my present; trying to forgive and forget. I faced another “fresh start”, but this time, I started from the point of self-love. It might sound ridiculous, but here’s the thing: sometimes we forget how important it is to love and respect ourselves, by loving someone else. We’ve all betrayed ourselves at least once, by forgetting to do things for our own, by forgetting to follow the path we wanted to walk, we’ve all let us down ourselves at least once, some in more serious ways than others. And that’s the problem, the “ouchy” feeling when the truth stabs you in the eye: When we offer someone (or something) love, but it comes with an expectation of how we want them to respond, that’s not love. Love it’s unconditional, and the point is that it’s given for the joy of giving it, not because we hope to get something in return (Ouch!).
It took me a while to realize that not everything in life is meant to be a beautiful story. Not every person we feel something deep and moving is meant to make a home within us, is meant to be forever. Sometimes, people come into our lives to teach us how to love; and sometimes, people come into our lives to teach us how not to love, how not to settle, how not to shrink ourselves ever again. Yes, sometimes people leave, but that’s okay, because their lessons always stay, and that’s what matters. That is what remains. This is applicable to all the kind of relationships we have, friends, family, and lovers. I started to think, that this was even valid for dreams, hopes, expectations and of course, goals that became un-achievable.
After a year of working as a dental assistant (i'm actually a dentist) in a private practice, in addition to a poor salary and a lame economy, I started to ask myself if the paperwork and the time needed to legalize my degree in Argentina was really worth it; and that’s when the “Ouchy” feeling happened again: I realized it’s not worthy. Here’s where the “re-inventing myself” part starts, because after a lot of thinking, I came to the conclusion that I wasn’t doing anything to being happy. Why do I say that? It sounds like another Greek tragedy, and personally it is. We never like to wake up from those pleasant and beautiful dreams we might have overnight sometimes, and that’s what happens to expectations. In a labyrinth, when you face –and hit- a wall, there’s no other option that taking a different path. And that, my friends.. It’s called life.
Taking a different path it’s never easy; it comes with a lot of fears and some tears. It requires courage; the courage to accept the things we can’t change, the courage to take the risks we’ve never thought of, the courage to start over. I quitted my job, indeed. But there was something still missing there, a goal, a North, a “finish line” to run to.. And all I can think right now as the place I want to be is self love. With the days I figured out that in order to re-invent yourself you must forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for not knowing the signs, for not responding to them when you see them and for those that you don’t see. Forgive yourself for wasting time, for going back to relationships, situations, jobs, etc. because you thought things would be different. Forgive yourself for not speaking up for yourself, for not doing what was right for you when you knew better, and for those times you didn’t. And above all, we must forgive ourselves because we deserve to be forgiven.
This far, I hope that if you’re still reading me, you’ve realized that it’s been quite an emotional ride. I quitted my job, indeed. I started a new one and made the life-changing decision of migrating again next year (Spain here I go?), in order to find myself, with the hope of being happy.
These past months I realized that perhaps the bravest thing we will ever do is wake up and try again, no matter the hardship, no matter the pain. Trying again: to find pleasure in little things, to enjoy laughs, to find comfort in our own heads, to appreciate and being grateful for those who surround us; that’s what takes courage. Accepting that it takes strength to love those who are not with us anymore, because they really never leave us, they remain in our hearts.. That’s a brave thing to do.
Yasmine Cheyenne said once: “Who you are not where you’re from, where you want to be or where have you been. By remembering this we define ourselves with truth versus what we’ve experienced with humanness versus judgment, and we give ourselves room to grow”. I guess that what I’m trying to point out is that, no matter how lost we are, there’s always a chance of finding ourselves again and.. Don’t rush, it takes time returning to yourself.