The first time I kissed a girl was awkward. Actually, the first time I kissed a girl, it was at a skating rink, I was in 7th grade and an 8th grader shoved her tongue so far down my throat, it ruined my kissing technique for years.
But the SECOND time I kissed a girl was after my first date. I had asked her out to dinner, junior year of high school. And when I took her home, I walked her to her door. We stood there making awkward high school small talk for a few minutes before I realized I was supposed to do something. It’s at that moment I questioned my permissions, and asked, “Can I kiss you?” Simple enough right?
No.
She said, “Don’t ask, just kiss me.” At that time in my life, it was a lesson well learned. Don’t look, just leap. Don’t hesitate. No Fear. All of that. Now, I had been raised to respect women from my sister and mother, so it was built in, but from that day forward, when I felt the urge to kiss a girl, I went for it.
And then the world moved on it’s axis and the idea of express consent has become a much more prevalent issue. I mean in the early 2000’s there were plenty of jokes about “carding a girl at you bedroom door” to make sure the babe you brought home was “legal” and not “jail bait.” Har har har, right? But asking? Not so much.
Look, I don’t want to come off sounding like some MAGA douche that feels like I just can’t do anything right anymore, and I’m totally a victim and all that shit. But it does bring up an interesting concern about how men and women interact in the modern dating scene. Getting consent from a lover to move from kissing to frisking, to mouth play, vaginal intercourse, and from there maybe onto the more fringe practices like upside down rope play feet tickling or whatever.
But do we really need to have a full 50 SHADES OF GREY deal memo prepared and get advanced consent for every changing position?
Do you need permission to ask a girl out before you even ask her out?
Is it toxic masculinity to put my hand on a girl’s leg or follow her to her front door for a goodnight kiss with out asking absolute permission first?
I seriously get that plenty of aggressive guys are going so far in the opposite direction, making a woman feel uncomfortable or outright forcing them to do things they don’t want to do through manipulation or worse threats of violence… but for good guys, guys who love their mother’s and understand that when a woman wants something she’ll enjoy it even more; how do you make sure you get the consent you need?
What do you think? Are non-verbal cues enough?
Must you ask at each step along the way?
Do you just go for the kiss and apologize later?
Ladies, speak up and tell me.
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