I got into the car already regretting this whole thing. I knew this thing inside me would get me killed someday… but I wasn’t able to control it. I was too nervous for all the wrong reasons, and my sweaty palms reminded me about it every few minutes. I just hoped I didn’t sweat off my makeup. But something felt off. I couldn’t put my finger on it, I just had this weird feeling that something was wrong… Or too right?
I finally got to the restaurant. When I entered my eyes went straight to his face, he was like a magnet; I swear my body felt him before I even saw him. My heart began to race even faster, and I could feel my skin tingling with need. Fuck! I needed to calm down before he noticed. I took a deep breath and smiled. He smiled back with his perfect teeth showing like a dangerous but beautiful warning.
As I walked to the table I felt my phone vibrating in my purse. It was probably Josh. He knew I was supposed to go out with Gabriel today, and he always got a bit anxious when I went out with other men. I mean, he knew I had to, but still… He didn’t know who Gabriel was. He didn’t know the danger I had put myself into…
“Lilah… You look wonderful, as usual.” – Gabriel welcomed me. His voice sounded like angels singing. Shivers went down my spine, and suddenly I was too hungry.
“Thank you, Gabe. You are not so bad yourself.” – I said, and the bastard laughed. He obviously knew he looked as if God Himself had sculpted his entire existence… Wait…
The evening passed between shallow conversations and hungry looks. We ate, laughed, flirted… But we both knew that underneath it all was a silent warning for both of us. I felt it crawling up my whole body, he was too good. I was mesmerized, hypnotized by his smart talk, his perfectly shaped lips and his bright, green eyes. Time passed so fast, I didn’t even notice.
“We should be going now… Are you ready?” – He asked, and I was nervous once again. The invitation in his voice… “I think we’ve played enough for tonight, it’s time we go straight to business.” Oh.
“Sure… “
“You don’t seem so sure Lilah… I’m not going to hurt you, I promise.” – Gabriel said in a seductive tone. Using my name was a low move.
Angels could be so cocky sometimes. It was a mystery for me how this attraction worked. I just knew it happened. Demons and Angels are never supposed to get near each other like this. It’s dangerous. It’s supposed to be this fatal attraction that never ends well. It’s even worse for Succubus like me, because attraction is already fatal in my life. I’ve always been good and kept my distances from Angels, but Gabriel… He was something else.
From the second I saw him I felt a pull deep inside of me that led me to him. It wasn’t just physical. Oh no. I wish. It was some kind of hunger that I didn’t quite get. It came from my loins, it made my soul burn (yes, demons have souls.) Something clicked when I was near him, it was like I had a missing piece I didn’t even know about, and suddenly it was there. And I needed it so bad. But it was too weird for me to just fall for it, because it wasn’t about sex (not all of it). The sensation that it was an attraction coming from my very essence scared me to death.
But I couldn’t do anything about it. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
And so we left. We arrived to his apartment. His impressive, scary apartment.
“Hmm, so your favorite color is black… Go figure.” – I said between a laugh, to hide my nerves.
I walked around a bit, exploring, as he disappeared somewhere. But then he was suddenly behind me, his chest pressed to my back, his lips pressed to my ear.
“Stop trying to hide it, Lilah. I can hear your heart, you know?” – Oh. I lost it. His hands were on my hips and he pressed me impossibly closer to his own, so I could feel him. I gasped.
“I’m not… I’m not trying to hide anything.” – But this wasn’t exactly the truth. Inside my purse a Cursed Knife was waiting… And my mouth watered. I could smell his sweet blood, it was calling me. “You know exactly what I want.”
“Yes, I do.” – He whispered to my ear, as he turned me around, and then kissed me.
It was a harsh, hungry kiss. I felt his need, the same hunger I was feeling.
Our clothes hit the ground soon, as our bodies moved synchronized in a holy dance neither of us could control. It felt like a race. Which of us would come out of it first? Which of us would win? Which of us would take the other out?
But it took a while. We were trying to calm an insatiable primal hunger. We lost our senses, and at the same time we could feel everything. We were thirsty for each other, and even if we were as close as two bodies can be, even feeling him inside of me, even with my nails digging deep in the scars on his back, none of it was enough.
I felt his embrace tighten, until I could not breathe properly. I didn’t mind at first, I liked it. And then it was too late. I felt his teeth sinking into my throat, and I moaned. It felt so wrong, and so right. I didn’t want to fight it, and he was still inside of me. Until I felt my own blood dripping down my skin; and even then… I almost let him win right there.
Suddenly I remembered the knife… if I could reach it… It wasn’t that far…
But something else was controlling me, as I grabbed his neck and tightened my grip until he released me. I searched for his neck with my teeth then, and bit hard into his throat until I felt his warm blood spill into my mouth. It was beautiful; it was almost everything I needed. I felt ecstasy in my whole body; I wanted to feel that way forever. I was about to explode.
He was trying to fight me, trying to go back to my neck. I couldn’t let him win. I don’t think heaven or hell had ever seen a battle like this.
I felt my true form coming, my body was starting to change; my eyes burned, and I knew they were in their bright red. I could feel the horns trying to come out from the sides of my forehead. My teeth still buried in his hot flesh, my legs tight around his hips trying to keep him in.
Suddenly he was on top of me, and he managed to push me away. I cried a little, and then something happened.
He kneeled between my legs in his real form too. He let his white wings spread impossibly wide. He was magnificent. Beautiful. Splendid. He truly was a work of God Himself. I froze for a split second, staring at the violent rage in his face that made him look even more beautiful. But in the same second I realized he was holding a Holy Dagger between his hands, and was about to stab me.
It was the same for both of us, after all.
“I want you… I want all of you.” – He screamed.
I understood his words. I wanted him too. All of him. And neither of us understood what this meant, but it was the truth.
I barely dodged his dagger as I tried to reach for my knife. When I finally did reach it, we fought hard for a few minutes. The lines were too blurry. We were trying to fuck, and at the same time trying to kill each other. I’m not sure why we needed to hurt. He was an incredible creature. Nothing so holy deserved to be hurt, ever.
Seeing him there, wings spread wide, almost blinding me with his light, took my breath away completely. He broke my heart into many little pieces. He was war and destruction. But he was also art, poetry, music. Nothing so perfect has ever existed before or after him. I longed to touch his heart, I wanted to feel his beat in my hand. Just as much as he wanted to feel mine, judging for the way he was trying to rip my heart out of my chest.
My knife was so close to him. As close as our parting lips.
“Lilah… I’m sorry.” – He whispered into my mouth, his lips caressing mine almost with tenderness.
There was something urgent and desperate in his voice. And my mistake was to look into his eyes. They were full of pain and sorrow, tears were forming already. His pain was my own. I couldn’t bare his suffering.
“I have to…” He was pushing his dagger into my chest now, I could feel the tip tearing my skin.
“I know.” – I barely managed to say the words aloud. “I know… What a great way to disappear though. If it’s in your hands, surrounded by your wings, with your lips touching mine… I am blessed just because your eyes have encountered mine. Release me, and I shall release you.”
And so he did. He drove the dagger deep into my chest as he kissed me one last time. Before my heart stopped beating he bit me once again. I could still feel him inside of me when I vanished into him.
I surrendered because I realized that killing him would have been way more painful than being killed by him. I surrendered because I couldn’t imagine existence without his holy presence. I surrendered because I was a demon after all, and I was selfish enough to long for that sweet release, even knowing it would hurt him more. He was needed in ways I would never be.
My last thought went to Josh. My sweet Josh. My very human, fragile Josh. He was my safe place. The love I never deserved. He loved me in ways I couldn’t love myself. He loved me until I felt it was impossible for me to love him the same way he did. And I tried anyway. But meeting Gabriel showed me the truth: as perfect as Josh could be, there was nothing I could do in the presence of the divine. I was meant for Gabriel from the beginning, my essence belonged to him. My soul was created to feed his.
This hunger we feel, will kill us all. But oh, we know it’s worth it.