Welcome to the satiric review of the WWE Event, known as the Elimination Chamber 2018. The final Raw PPV before Wrestlemania! We start with (more or less) dramatic camera work to show off the uniqueness of this eerie structure. Absolutly fittingly Michael Cole shouts:
„Only 20 other times have superstars entered this structure.“
Wow. Only 20. That's about the number of Roman Reigns Fan in the crowd tonight, according to the boos.
At least we start off the night with the Woman's Elimination Chamber Match for some action. Bayley and Sonya are offically the first two women to compete in an Elimination Chamber Match. With the thought in my mind that this will be the only statistically memorable thing about Sonyas first Main Roster run. Also, the most memorable thing about the first minutes of this match was the lighting inside the pods. Seriously, the light inside the pods were installed on the ground instead of the top, which led me believing for a few seconds that Mickie James was actually Wonder Woman, with a pretty evil looking 5 Foot Alexa Bliss in the background.
Later on we saw Absolution (in matching colors; how sweet) beat up Bayley for five Minutes and for some reason completly failing to eliminate her. They did not even try properly. And just for good measures, the next woman entering the match is Sasha, to change the „Every Woman by herself“ to a good ol' fashioned tag team match. Holla holla, playa. Elimination Chamber is cancelled to bring you back to the second hour of Raw about two weeks ago.
Time flies by, Absolution get eliminated first, a very dramatically looking James follows and Bliss faces the danger of a handicap between Sasha and Bayley against her. It was in that moment, she remembered her idol Sheamus and blocked her own door from opening. Forensics are still searching for that Celtic Cross though. But nevermind, they decide to go climbing instead, until Sasha remembered that she is the boss and smacked her „best friend“ in the face again. Sasha has now betrayed Bayley more often than Big Show betrayed his Heel-Face-Dynamic. And it seems like this was the evening where even Bayley understood that her „friend“ may be not quite as nice as she thought. Big surprise.
Also shoutout to Corey Graves for this quote, which has to be my new motto in life:
„Man, I'm tired of being right“
After this event, Bayley quickly got eliminated. It's now one on one between Sasha and Alexa. And they did a good job. Finally the match got quicker, harder and more eventful. In the end, Alexa came out on top and she fully deserved it. Realizing that she would now defend her title at WrestleMania, she seemed pretty overwhelmed, because she believed for nearly a minute that it was a good idea for the top heel on Raw to talk about little girls and how they can forfill their dreams and wishes. Thankfully she remembered that she indeed was not Bayley and safed it with some sassy comment at the time. Close call. I'm 80% certain some one backstage yelled at here for that.
But all jokes aside, she fully deserved it. She did a great job. The match itself was meeeeh at best, but the ending was pretty good, I guess.
But let's move on to the match of The Bar versus Titus Worldwide. Even Sheamus and Cesaro couldn't wait until this match was over, so they already begun attacking Titus and Apollo while all the viewers at home were still seeing the Tag Team Title animation all over our screens. Michael Cole screaming unknown noises through my speakers while I was watching the animation of this shiny championship belt was confusing.
So the match started and I asked myself: Why again was it necessary to change the name of Apollo Crews to...Apollo. What kind of inversed WWE logic is this? In the period between 2013-2016 all the NXT call ups needed their first names removed (am I right Claudio, Alexander and Adrian?), but with Apollo it seems to be the other way around. That's the story how Apollo lost his Crews. Touching, isn't it? By the way, what Dana Brooke could possibly write down after watching someone perform an armbar is beyond me. While still wondering about this serious issue, the match was over. It came so much out of nowhere that my laptop literally crashed (it really did), but I think no one really wanted this match to be a 30 minute classic. If you do so, stop lying.
Our next match features the girls who most definitly is not like most girls. Last night I had a nightmare of Nia winning this match and beating Asukas undefeated streak. Do I have to say more about my thoughts on this match? I do? Nah.
The best thing about matches like this (which we already have witnessed at an NXT PPV a year ago) is the fact that you can look out for fan made signs, which entertain you more that the match. In this match alone I have found Simon Millers long lost son and an advert for a popular Podcast that shall stay unnamed. In the end, Asuka obviously won in another meeeeh match with post-match assault by Nia.
The match between Broken Woken Token Matt Hardy and Bray Wyatt was also rescheduled as a hide and seek match. Imagine being Bray Wyatt in this situation. You're this creepy dude with some dark relations. Thinking you are all smart, you sneek up behind your opponent, but when you reach the ring he's gone. Matt Hardy is the only one who can make a guy, who used PowerPoint Earthworms to frighten his opponent at WrestleMania, look like an even bigger fool. I'm pretty amazed.
According to Booker T, Hardy is going through a mid-life-crisis. I'm now officially scared of my mid-40s. If I ever start screaming random words at you while moving my arms wildly wearing a robe... Please call help. I beg you.
Saying the crowd is entertained by this match would be a massive overstatement. The chants were all over the place. Some of them may have checked their calendar during the match and noticed which day is today: It's Rusev Day! Happy Rusev Day to anyone reading!
The fans also wanted to celebrate and chanted for it. You probably have also realized that Rusev is not taking part in this event this evening. Because he isn't even on Raw. Oh my.
After the chants Matt Hardy also realized it was Rusev Day. He also remembered that he hasn't bought his adorable wife a present yet. So he quickly ended the match with a Twist of Fate.
What now follows is the Ronda Rousey segment. Oh boy, I still wait until someone gets caught up in the wonderful sound of the name Rowdy Ronda Rousey. Rondy Rouwdy Rowdsey? Ronda Rowsey Roudey? Rousdey Rowdy Rondy? Rowdy Ronda Rusev? Trust me, it will happen. And if Corey Graves is near by, he will destroy said person.
The segment begins with Triple H degrading every superstar who has sacrificed everything for the company since Kurt Angle by telling everyone they aren't as big calibers as Rowdy Ronda Rousey. It could possibly not begin better.
So they all do their thing, until Kurt starts acting like that one kid in high school. „It's so great you two get along, after all what happened in the past. Let me see, you did this to him, you did that to her“. Let's face it, Kurt's the real rebel here. Employed by the authority but still rebelling against them. The old lovely, bald, punk villain. Even after he was heading down to the back with Hunter (who probably has told him that he would beat his ass), he still continues.
With a „I'm gonna kill you“ look on her face she put Triple H through a table and got rid of Steph just by looking at her. I really enjoyed this segment. A really badass looking Rondy Rowdsy Ronda (wasn't that her name?). Triple H versus Ronda Rousey – Last man standing at WrestleMania confirmed?
And finally, it's Main Event time. The WrestleMania Main Event will be determined right now. Someone even got a chair for Elias to play his songs for us. How nice of the production crew. They even got new pants for Seth Rollins that weren't on fire. After The Miz was neither allowed to be part of the Shield nor part of the Balor Club, the fight started. In oppose to the Womans match at the start of the show, it took a long time until someone got eliminated here. Everyone got some offense, everyone got beaten up. This statement was true until Braun Strowman entered the ring and Miz „got those hands“. Shortly after Elias did that thing that Alexa did that Sheamus did. Spoiler: He didn't have a Celtic Cross either.
While all four man worked bravly together to slaughter the monster among men, Elias was just having a chill in his pod and no one cared. An artists life can be great, I tell you. When Elias finally decides to do something, he thought it would be a great idea to mess with Strowman. It was not. 1, 2, 3 and Elias was guided out of the arena by a lovely goodbye chant from the fans. Shortly after even Big Match John got eliminated by Braun Strowman, who has pinned everyone so far. And there goes Finn Balor as well. Even the men in the ring have realized now, that they may have to work together to defeat Strowman. Oh wait a second, Rollins has just betrayed Reigns. unimpressed eyeroll. And it backfired, he was eliminated more eyerolling. With one, two more moves Roman Reigns spears his way to the Main Event of WrestleMania 34 again, for the fourth time in a row. No need to say that the fans absolutely loved it. Not a single boo was heard in the arena last night. Of course the majority of the fans for rooting for Roman all match long. Like it has been the last two years, amirightladsamiright?
In conclusion, the Elimiation Matches were good, especially the men's one. We even got some post-match beatdown after the win of the Roman Empire. With the signing segment including socially awkward (and now pedigreed) Kurt Angle I felt relativly entertained, even though the non-elimination matches were pretty irrelevant.
I hope you enjoyed reading my little rambling and thoughts about this event. What did you think? Did you enjoy it? Feel free to tell me, have a nice day and get prepared for the Roman Empire at WrestleMania.
All images courtesy of WWE and wwe.com