Im naturally a very anxious person. As a child i grew up with a single mother and 2 younger siblings. Iv been raised to be the man of the house. Iv always felt stressed and anxious but have always kept these feelings to myself as i thought a MAN should. I got introduced to xanax at age 19 and for the first time i knew what it felt like to not have a wall of anxiety in my life. I felt like an invisible force field of anxiety that had kept me from properly socializing had been dropped. I socialized more, care about opinions less. It came to the point where eventually for one year straight i was at least on 1.5mg of alprozalam daily. Everyday i go to the gym so every day i was barred out there (pretty funny; i even brought lean to the gym and worked out once , thats a diff story)
i conversed with girls a little more at the gym then i ever when i was on it. For some reason girls seemed to like the aura i gave off( im guessing it was a nonchalent not give a fuck about anything type aura , and of course girls like those type of dudes.
Everyday i woke, i felt fresh and not anxious. Less depressed about my common life that will eventually come to an end. About 6 months into this faze, i started becoming anxious again. Anxiety everywhere, i couldnt even workout in the middle of the gym where it was most crowded. Just wayy to anxious. I knew it was the bars i had to slow it down. I knew my brain had become dependent on that chemical it releases. By the wayyy...
I swear this woman was the love of my life and was meant for me. She kept waiving at me at the gym coming up to me trying to talk.( this was the period where i was about 6 months in and WASNT anxious free.) I always gave her the cold shoulder i just couldnt talk i was so scared. She was sooo beautiful and personality seemed amazing for her to always come up to me to talk and i never approached her.
Destiny has arrived. I see her at the local BEACH. What are the odds?!?!?!?!?
At this point i wasnt on a zan and so fucking anxious but i had to go up to her otherwise for sure she would think im a weirdo not saying anything. i went up to her, had the most awkward convo of my life, then her friend tried pulling her away but she still tried to talk!!! Eventually her friend dragged her away. I run into her again walking towards the shower and she says hi,my dumb ass acts like i didnt hear and i ignored and kept walking. I head towards the food stand and run into her AGAIN. She tells me " hey im leaving". Obviously i knew she wanted to hang out but im too pussy anxiety out i didnt ask for her number i said " lets hit legs at the gym tomorrow" she said "cardio". I said "what time" and she gave me this weird look like either i should kno what time or she didnt hear what i said. Awkwardly we both look away and i never see her again.
So many occasions i realized she really wanted to get to know me but i was too drugged out unresponsive , and couldnt properly communicate.
FAST FORWARD ONE YEAR LATER.
I stopped taking bars for 6 months starting january 1st 2017. I couldnt handle not remembering my 2016 and knew i had to stop. It is june 6th 2017 and i have relapsed and have taken a total of 12mg alprozalam since the past three weeks. I wont fall into that dark whole again. I just wanted to know what it felt like to not stress and worry. I might take a few more bars this summer for the fun of it. IDK. But the one thing i REGRET THE MOST is fucking up with that girl. She was perfect. Her name,ethnicity, personality,figure. I swear she was meant for me and i blew it. I can only hope i get that opportunity again.
But yea. thats what xanax did to me. Gave me confidence, then robbed it from me. Made me feel like i was on top of the world , then took this amazing woman from me. I am currently 21 years old.
Iv been through so much in my life, i feel many can learn from my mistakes. Ill be posting more of my memories and experiences so others may see life through a different lens. Oh and yes last night i did take a 4mg bar that im probably still feeling now the morning after.
I DO NOT CONDONE THE USE OF DRUGS. THIS INFORMATION IS FOR YOU TO LEARN THROUGH MY EXPERIENCES. I DONT NORMALLY WRITE ABOUT MYSELF SO MY GRAMMAR MAY NOT ME THE BEST BUT I WILL BE IMPROVING
TAKE CARE STEEMERS