"Love and Let go"
Letting go. Loving. These can be two of the hardest things we can learn to do well in life. The are intertwined together too. "They" (the mysterious they) say that real love is when you are able to let go. Let go of a person or a situation but its often harder than the simple " love and let go" quotes we see plastered across social media. At least it was for me!!
In the last year my life last literally be turned upside down and I am and have had to really learn to let go, let go of the life I thought I would have, let go of the man I loved, let go of the life I had built for over two and a half years and leave to start again (here's to a visa free future..just saying!)
Me literally upside down...as well as my life at that time!!
So whats happened to teach me this life lesson?
Heartbreak and Heartache. In two words this is what happened and yet the words cannot describe the long road of pain that I walked. The intensity of it, the confusion, the rage, the deep grief, the suffering, the tears and so much more. I write this now not for support not for recognition of any kind but to explain to you, my clients and followers and friends where I have been and what brought me back here, to continue with start a and new chapter in my business.
Rolling back in time 9 months I felt happy, I loved deeply, and I felt deeply loved. To say I was shocked by my partners decision to leave me seems like a massive understatement. I was completely and utterly shocked and shaken, I felt winded, like I’d be knocked of a moving train and the series of events that followed the breakdown of the relationship only added what felt like a twisted knife to my already shattered heart. It is hard to describe how I felt, restless, sleepless, exhausted, utterly betrayed, so angry, perplexed, void of all feelings at times and above all else weighted down by a heavy heart full of grief and sorrow for what once was.
Those of you who know me well, you know how much I value self-growth, reflection and meditation practices and despite how I was feeling the one thing that I continued to do was read, learn and listen to people I found inspiring. I listened to hours of audio on mindset, love, human behaviour, religion and spirituality. Doing this grounded me but it also fuelled my feeling of righteousness at times too, I felt a deeply that I had done right and that he had done wrong. With blame, comes bitterness and an inability to let go and forgive. I knew this to be true long before the breakdown of my relationship but having to apply this to myself when I was in need of it most was more than difficult. I began a forgiveness meditation and I did it daily for around four months. Still deep down I knew I was angry and unable to fully forgive. So, what changed? Well the first thing that changed was my location! I left Australia, (I LET GO) the first place I felt I truly belonged, the place where I had grown so much and made beautiful friends. With so much sadness I left. I came to Thailand and I immersed myself in the things I love like acroyoga, music, dancing and yummy vegan food! Yet still I was sad.
But everything began to change drastically when I went on a tantric polarity retreat. For the first time in months I began to see things in a different light. I recognised how the polarity in my relationship was extremely off the mark and the reason for the relationship ending in my mind began to change.
Something else changed too, being surrounded by strong women, women who were like me, they had experienced heartbreak and pain. I began to glow there, I felt strong and I began I tap into my own sensuality and strength as a woman. I heard there that sometimes we need a hard hit (theoretically!) in our lives to make us wake up to our reality, and for the first time I felt an immense amount of gratitude towards my ex-partner for delivering the blow that would shake me to my core and make me question everything about myself, the relationship and my life. Without this hit I wouldn’t have the strength I have right now. Today I feel deeply that he realised me from a prison of my own making in a way, I know now that I would have stayed small and I could not have been the women I believe I was born to be by being with him and I’m so grateful for how things have turned out now. I’m grateful to him and for everything that he did and the way he did it, as without this maybe I would not have left Australia at all, without the deep pain and darkness I would not have been able to experience the duality to those feelings, which is the light, love and joy I feel now.
After the retreat I went and completed two hundred hours of yoga teacher training and the experience was again so life changing, my heart expanded in a way I did not know was possible and I realised that love is ageless, sexless, and infinite. I connected further to my own divine feminine energy and to the divine feminine energy of other women too. In this I felt stronger than ever and I began teaching divine feminine yoga and meditation to some of these women. On the very last day after many hours of tears of sadness and joy to say goodbye and of fear for the future too, I went away and meditated. During the meditation my mind became so clear I realised that sometimes we need to fully accept and experience the darkness in ourselves and in our lives without avoidance for us to really experience the full duality of this world, to see the light and the divine love that exists within. I saw myself rising from the darkness with the strength of ten thousand armies behind me and I felt utterly free and in flow with the universe and the energy that is God as I know it and I know in my heart that this strength exists in all women.
I don’t have all the answers on how to heal from heartbreak and the heartache that follows, but what I do know and can share is that the best thing for me was not to deny or avoid any of the feelings and emotions that rise in you. You may react to them as I did on more than once occasion but try if you can to simply be the moment whether it be sadness or anger, feel it fully and it will eventually slip away and you can begin to let go. Practice forgiveness, treat yourself with the same love you gave and give to others, journal and meditate and above all else surround yourself with people (for me women helped above all others) who will help raise you up and encourage you to be the amazing woman you are.
To every woman I know who helped me get to where I am today thankyou with my whole heart and soul.
Polly xox
I share with you today the poem I wrote for myself to myself after the meditation and I now share it for every woman out there.
The time has come.
You are ready.
Open to receive.
Ready to give.
Ready to bloom.
To become who you were born to be.
A queen, a goddess, Shakti.
Transfigure.
Transfigure now.
Rise up.
Withe grace you shall flow in life from this moment on.
Nothing will bring you down.
Nothing can dim the shine and strength of your inner Shakti.
Rise up.
Rise up.
And begin your endless journey to liberation.
To the divine.
To the God in you.
Rise.