I received the greatest lesson from Yoga in my first class. It was about fear.
It was almost the end of the class and we were about to do headstands. To look at the posture alone is already scary. We received instructions, and to be honest, the whole thing seemed impossible for me. I was weak as hell and in my mind there was no way I could do that. So many lessons right there, about doubting myself and pessimism. And I wasn't even upside down. Yet.
The teacher went from student to student to help them. The advanced ones did it on their own, some of them had help but I could notice they had done it before. I was there with my best friend and it was the first time for both of us; there was another girl that was doing it for the first time, she came before me. And she couldn't do it. She totally refused to try and had a panic attack right there: she froze and then just cried. Our teacher just left her there crying while she went on to say "The way you behave on your mat is also the way you behave in your regular life." And she just cried more.
I had loved the class so much that I realized in the middle of it that this was going to be what I would do for the rest of my life: I would teach yoga. The class hadn't even finished and I was already in love.
Then it was my turn. I was scared, yes, but I was obviously going to try. I prepared my posture, rested the crown of my head on the ground, and raised one leg up. My teacher held me body lightly to keep me in balance and then told be to raise the other leg, while she kept holding me all the time. The moment I was completely upside down my mind went nuts. Panic was coming for me, I could feel it. I started to beg to my teacher "please don't let go, please, please!". And this was a desperate plea, I honestly thought that she was holding me back from death, and if she ever let go I would definitely snap my neck and die.
I jus begged, almost crying, while she held me there. She kept saying "I'm not going to let you go, calm down and breathe." Next to me I heard my friend laughing as she said "Wtf Ana,"
The moment I heard her laugh something shifted inside of me. She knew me better than anyone else, and we were walking a difficult road together. We were discovering our spiritual selves, studying metaphysics together, and going crazier every day. Her laugh made me come back to myself. This panic was ridiculous, I just had to breathe, nothing was going to happen. And so I did.
I took a big breath and as I was exhaling my body relaxed letting go of the panic inside. My teacher, being great as she is, must have felt the shift, because although a few seconds ago I was begging for her to don't let go, she actually did. That fucker let me go.
But I had wings, and I was flying.
I held my headstand on my own for a few seconds, and I wasn't scared anymore. It felt great, I literally felt like flying, I was defying gravity somehow. After my arms went tired, I came down by myself. I didn't fall, I just came down, calmly.
I did the thing! Against all odds, probably against my fear, I did the thing, and it was magic.
I spent the next two days learning how to do headstands by myself. And it was incredibly easy. Be the end of the second day I had already mastered it without the wall, raising both of my legs at the same time. And one week later that headstand was my bitch.
I have mastered many postures with that same technique. It is important in Yoga (and in life, really) to let go of fear and the tension it brings because you can get hurt too easily if panic keeps you rigid and takes over your mind. If it takes over, you can't control your body, chances are you won't even feel it. You'll end up doing things you didn't want to do, and it may lead to pain.
I changed a lot that day. I learned I only had to take a deep breath and let go of fear so I could do the thing. Sometimes I forget, depending on the circumstances. Sometimes I forget the power my breath holds. Sometimes I have really bad panic attacks and I just forget that I can actually breathe. My brain shuts down completely and it can take me a couple of hours to come back to myself.
Taking the lessons out of the yoga mat is difficult. I am a goddess of fear while I practice. There isn't much that scares me anymore in yoga. I have mastered most of the postures that used to lead me to panic. But in real life that shit is hard, because I am scared of many things. Sometimes is not even fear, it's just plain panic.
But fear is only in mind, and I have all the weapons I need to fight it. I just have to remember.
Just breathe.
All pictures are obviously mine