This morning, my yoga practice got ugly, really ugly. And it was wonderful.
Anywhere you go these days, you’ll hear a lot of talk about being in the moment. Slow down, breathe, be here NOW. Which all sounds really lovely, but is of course always easier said than done. So what happens when you can’t get into that head space? What if your monkey mind is shrieking and you just let your body go on auto pilot? Usually, it’s a mess. But every once in awhile just surrendering to the chatter can make magic.
I got to class early, as usual so I could sit on my mat on the heat and quiet. I like to give my body some time to adjust to the heat, I like feeling those little beads of perspiration trickling down my arm. It reminds me that my body is about to release some of the crazy.
I attempted to meditate, but this morning the monkey mind was strong. So I just began making a list of all the things I was grateful for. My gratitude list is long, and it varies from day to day but today I came across all the gratitude I have for the time I was able to spend with my Granny.
That thought was all it took for the tears to flow.
So now I was looking at a 75 min class and I was crying before class even started.
As we begin to warm up I am distracted and emotional, my left is on my right and my up is down.
Our instructor is taking us through a flow I'm not familiar with, I'm wobbling all over the place, and I'm always a move behind.
This is total frustration. I want my practice to be smooth and graceful and strong!
So now I'm mad and emotional AND flopping all over my mat.
So I just said fuck it, I'm going to try everything. My practice cant get any worse today.
So I tried kicking up into handstand, and guess what? I stayed there for a few seconds. So then I remembered that I was STILL missing my Granny and I forgot to be afraid to try Bird of Paradise. It was a really ugly bird, but there it was. Then I remembered how grateful I am to have a partner that im in love with, and while I was busy being grateful side crow happened too.
Oh shit, everyone else is back to doing a flow again....Im still wobbly and still two poses behind and ohmygod its extra hot in here this morning.
and in among all that mess, fear didnt have space anymore, because gratitude (and maybe a little anger) were taking up all the room.
So I quit caring that my practice was ugly and and wobbly and I just did my practice.
This morning I got into poses I am usually to afraid to try, and I made it a little harder for fear to have space in my body.
Dont be afraid to let your practice get ugly. Thats where the good stuff is.
Gratitude is magic. It kicks fears ass.
Today I am grateful. Even for the monkey mind.