I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. MOM: Oh my! Who!? DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something? MOM:

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

A perfectionist walked into a bar…apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

Bob you are need in the closet!

i sure love tacos and cats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

janice hold my calls, i gotta see that cat meme!

Bob, we need to talk.