i bought Blender for Dummies at a bookstore. and this old dude, maybe 70ish who was at the register looked at the book and then at me and went "really...? you need a book on how to use a blender,

Get some sleep

Esto es literalmente lo que nadie te enseña a esa edad.

I spent a lot of my youth on women and drugs. The women messed me up more than the drugs.

I mean at the very least you need to be somewhere women can actually find you lol. OP makes it sound like if you get your life together a line of women will start knocking on your door. You have to exist

Be well groomed, and try to have at least one interesting hobby. This gives you something to talk about when you meet people

Recursive paradox detected

"might" doing a lot of work there