Steemians

I was fired from my job today.

It started out an unremarkable Tuesday where I was working from home finishing up some documentation on a project I'd been working on.

At around 2pm I got a 'ping' from a colleague on the work messaging app that managers were grumbling about allocation of resources and on the warpath to cut costs and that I'd better have my story straight so they'd know how busy I was. I barely acknowledged the message thinking it couldn't possibly apply to me. Why would it? I was busy enough.

10 mins after I got the heads up from my colleague, my manager pinged me...

The GutPunch

We went through the usual formalities where we pretended to give a sh#t about each other's lives asking after the kids and family and then his tone changed. He told me 'most of the work was now going to be given over to the offshore team and that there was no more work to give to me. Unfortunately this meant they'd ..... ...................... .......................... ............................. .......................................... .............................................'

I don't recall exactly what was said after that point, it was pretty obvious what was going to be said and I was 99.99% confident it was being said in a conciliatory and sensitive manner but for some reason it never fully registered. I'd already boarded the rollercoaster and it was teetering on the top of the ride ready for a deep, deep plunge. My focus was now elsewhere.

I can remember snapping back into the present moment after I saw his typing end on the messenger screen waiting for a reply, thinking, 'play it cool' ... be professional. Acknowledge the message and don't emote. Don't give any indication of your emotional state. Don't give him the satisfaction.

I thanked him for his honesty and closed the messaging app. I stared into the middle distance.

I was given 9 days notice.

Oh Sh#t. I'm out of a job.

I work in IT. The relentless march of outsourcing has decimated the jobs here and they're few and far between in my specialism.

This had never happened to me before. It was a really good job working with people I'd forged great relationships with over a number of years and now....gone.

The Reaction

The over riding feelings were of rejection and unfairness. Why me? Why wasn't I good enough? I'd been there for years and was told I was highly thought of so how did this come to pass? I racked my brain for anything I could've done recently to make myself a target like this but my mind was blank.

I can remember going through a gallery of mental images as I tried to get a grip on my emotions.

I was in a tunnel. A long dark tunnel, with not a hint of a light at the end. I hated the feeling in my stomach. Sickly, churning, tormented and then for some reason I remembered a scene from the Tom Hank's film Castaway where his plane had just crashed into the ocean and he'd found himself on a dinghy, the camera then drew back quickly and revealed how tiny and alone he looked against the vast expanse of water.

And that was me. All of a sudden the importance of the security the job provided came into clear focus. I was never extravagant with money but never had to be so careful that I couldn't indulge every now and then. But now, with the prospect of the family income due to be slashed in half and the knowledge that savings get spent MUCH faster than they take to be accumulated, I felt like a man in a dinghy, set adrift in a very big, unforgiving ocean.

Crisis Management

At the time of writing this post, some 10 hours after being told I'd be out of a job in 9 days, I haven't told my wife.

It's a combination of not wanting to worry her and still trying to process it myself. She's a worrier. I can't think of anything positive coming out of telling her.

When she came home, I made a point of appearing as 'normal' as possible. It sounds a little dramatic but honestly, I felt numb inside but I made a point of appearing happy. I never realized how hard it is to generate a smile and something approaching a 'twinkle' in the eye when all you want to do is sit in a quiet room, alone and stare at a wall.

I've since found out that I'm not very good at pretending to be happy. My wife took a double take at me wondering what was wrong with the picture, I obviously wasn't 100% convincing but she couldn't quite work it out. She asked me a couple of times what was wrong and gave up after I obviously wasn't going to tell her with me trying to laugh off her suspicions as unfounded.

The lie was done.

I also found myself hugging my 10 year old daughter extra tightly when she came back from school...I felt like I'd let her down and wanted to reassure her that I would still take care of her without having to tell her why today of all days, 'Daddy' was acting a little strangely. This feeling of guilt caught me off guard. I wasn't the self confident provider and protector anymore.

I'm VERY wary of depression.

I've had it before and fought it off without having to involve the doctor but I know it's a powerfully malevolent state of mind which needs to be recognized before it takes hold. When I had it, it was like a dark, transparent veil had been placed infront of every one of my senses, making the world appear closed off, dark and oppressive. Every feeling and thought I experienced would be filtered through this veil, making me feel darkness to my very core. It's very hard to describe to someone who's never had it but describing it this way seems perfectly natural to me.

To mitigate this, I used to employ strategies where I would remind myself that at the very worst, I wouldn't have to put up with this wretched feeling for too long. I'd work out what my life expectancy was and then calculate how may years or days I'd have left...and knowing it would end one day, made it seem less foreboding. It made it seem 'conquerable'.

After I stopped hugging my daughter as she went off to her room, I found myself thinking this way to try and snap myself out of a spiral down to somewhere darker.

I was so guilty for having let her down, I was reminding myself that in the 'short' time I had left on this planet, I wasn't going to feel sorry for myself and instead of wallowing in self pity was going to figure out a way to make her proud of me. Just typing this now, is making me feel a little emotional. I don't want to let my wife or daughter down.

What father wants that?

Damn. Is this how important a job is to me? Am I really that defined by what I do to earn money?

The Cold Light of Day

Am I some kind of emotional psychopath for blatantly telling such a lie and not taking my wife's right to know into account?

Have I done wrong?

There are many uncertainties in life but one thing I'm sure of, is that a sleepless night awaits me tonight.

Who knows what the cold light of day has in store.