Hi steemit!

I am Jaelynn Carnes and yes I am sure that’s my name. I will soon be 24. I was a high-end escort till few months ago. My business name was Vivian which is also the name I hate the most. I’ve always hated being in the escort business even though it helped me travel places and get financially secured. I have been depressed, I’ve had anxious attacks, I couldn’t sleep and have always felt ashamed of myself. I also had dual personality issues, on one side I am Vivian the escort while on the other side I am Jaelynn Carnes, just a regular girl. To deal with the depression, I used to take therapy session. My therapist suggested me to write however I feel on a board.

This is what my board looked like until last week. (I tried to redraw it as close to as I remember)

The mess on the above board represents my frustration with my own self, i remember i drew every loop of that long chain while saying "I hate myself".

But i decided not to give up on life, now I'll be to pursuing writing, writing blogs, poems, small stories, reading novel, maybe become a language teacher and joining Steemit. As of today, this is what my board looks like :-

Looking at the above two pictures now I realize, I am not ~~Vivian~~. I AM JAELYNN CARNES

How did I get into escort business?

AT AGE: 20

On a doomed day, one my friend came to me a suggested a very random idea. She told me that her uncle who was a successful 32-year-old CEO of some regional IT company was “interested” in me for a “night”. These were the exact words she used, I was shocked to hear this and obviously denied furiously until she said “it would just be a one night dinner and maybe something more for $2000”. I was awestruck, in front of those “$2000” I ignored the “maybe something more”. By my sudden silence my friend knew I was confused, she took my mobile phone, added her uncle’s contact and sent a message saying “Hi! I am Jaelynn, rhea’s friend”. She was so persuasive and controlling, she sent that message on my behalf even though I wasn’t sure, sadly I didn’t resist at all. I was too charmed by those $2000 that I didn’t realized how all of this could change my life.

DATE- 19 April 2012.

I could never forget this date. My friend’s uncle told me that he would pick me up from Rhea’s (my friend’s) house at 7PM. He told me to wear a specific dress and shoes which he gifted me via amazon. It was a purple dress that looked something like this:-

I was a bit nervous, I was constantly looking at the clock. I remember at sharp 7:07 I could see a Bentley approaching the house. It was him. I bid farewell to my friend and sat in the backseat along with him while the driver drove us “somewhere”. He looked at me and said “You look stunning in that dress, I am glad it fits you well” I replied “thank you” and was stuck after that when he said “Call me Bran” and I replied “Thank you – Bran for the dress”. We went to an extremely luxurious hotel, ordered some vine and mild food, we talked about each other and exchanged thoughts while drinking, to be honest he was a nice man to talk with. All of a sudden he got up, took out $2000 cash from his coat pocket and told me to put it in my purse. I was amazed to see all that money, I turned and kept it in my purse, when I turned back he was shirtless. Things paced up and everything just happened. In about 3 hours I was dropped back home. I felt terrible, I reached my home and started crying. I was ashamed of myself, I hated what I did, but to my surprise watching those dollar notes cheered me up. I started planning how would I spend this money, in no time I spent it all. I wanted them again, in greed of more I forgot all the shame and continued doing this further, I met many new clients, traveled places, experienced luxuries until one day I finally broke down.

Forgetting the past and Moving on

I have been embarrassed of myself pretty much throughout my twenties. I’ve been depressed, lonely and sad because of the “work” I did but now it’s time to leave it all behind. I love reading, I love writing and I love expressing myself. I will continue my studies in English and peruse in writing. Joining a beautiful community such as Steemit would sure help me regain confidence for life and help me look at myself with more respect. Knowing about the vast opportunities of Steemit has given me a purpose to work upon! I am excited to join this platform. I will be regularly writing posts about things i learned from my past and how i try to motivate myself to not give up on life.

Thank you everyone for taking out time to read this!

- Jaelynn Carnes