There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell. Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?“

thanks

That awkward moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your

My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around the house for days.

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're

That moment when you want to be really cool in the cinema and start flipping popcorn into the air to catch it with your open mouth, but instead you get it in your open eye and the rest of the movie is

I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning. The surprised girl said, “What was that?” The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!” The girl slapped him soundly.

My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off. So I took off her blouse. She said, “Now off with the skirt.” I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.” And when I did

I did a self-defense course. I wouldn’t recommend anyone to attack me in slow motion now.

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years? Do you smoke? No. Do you eat too much? No. Do you go to bed late? No. Do you have affairs with promiscuous women? No. Then why would you want to live more

You sneak into my room, unnoticed; you gently touch one bit of my naked body after the other until you find the most desirable place, then you start sucking. Stupid mosquitoes!

I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands. They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack. Now it's "Donald! Duck!"

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? Oh Harry, that would be lovely! Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

Reporter interviews a man: “Sir, you’ve lived next to this highway for 20 years, do you feel that it has somehow influenced you?” The man: “NOOooooo, NOOoooo, NOOooo…”

A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains. The instructions say he can also bring one friend. But when he arrives, he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked: “Come on Alan, what

A guy goes to the doctor: “Please help me doc. I have this horrible blinking in my right eye that I just can’t control.” Doctor: “Ah come on, it’s not so bad as you think.” Guy: “Oh, you think?! Every

Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument. I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!