Magicians are nothing without their assistant

Pull out your Costco card to impress ‘em.

Evaluation

Due to less air pollution we now can actually see the Universal logo in the sky

My wife, using her violin as weaponized sarcasm.

Slip given out at one of my local bars if security kicks someone out.

Our dog who ran off on an adventure for 7.5 hours ringing our doorbell at 3 am to let us know she’s home

Went to a new barber. Asked for my part to be cut in. SHE MOWED A FUCKING 1/2” STRIPE OUT OF MY HEAD!

You spelled “nudes” wrong

My hometown just unveiled a 9/11 memorial at the fireman's museum. Think they could have used another set of eyes on this one...

Brits vs Ants

Will Smith arrives at the Oscars after party:

I found a joke book from 1940, and this has got to be my favorite one.

I had to cut down a tree in my yard and now I feel bad

My friend was stopped by some tourists to take a photo of them in front of an advertisement for Tape Face in Las Vegas... My friend IS Tape Face.

So my friend went to the DMV on Halloween...

The struggle is real.

How to clean with Sandstorm