LOVE AND FEAR

I want to love you, but you want me to fear you. I know love, I don't know fear. They say you love me but this isn't how love looks to me. You threaten to condemn me to eternal damnation if I don't do your every bidding, how does that look like love to me?

If you were my friend as they say, then I can talk to you even in my moments of sin. But they say when I try to talk to you as a sinner it's an abomination. But even when I err my father still listens to me, and that's love.

I'm to tremble when you speak. That's fear. I cannot question whatever you say to me. That's fear. You hurt me and you ask me not to ask why, that I should understand because you are who you are. The unquestionable. But I'm supposed to love you enough to do as you wish? That's love?

The things I cherished vanished, and they say you took them away. That you know best. That I should not ask you why but just understand. That asking you why will get you mad and when you get mad at me you will curse me with evil unspeakable. That's love?

Once, my father raised his voice at mum. I challenged him. He told me he was sorry, that he was wrong. I loved him more. But you are who you are and you never admit to mistakes. Whatever you do is perfect, no matter how much it hurts. You are never sorry. That's love? They say if I love you, I will fear you. But love is not fear. Yes, I fear you with every fibre of my existence, and that has made me impossible to love you. I do all you ask even though I break, and I never ask questions because you will condemn me to fire. That's love?

You say you love me, but I have to do all you ask before you give me presents. If I don't do what you ask I may start to wither, and you will smile and say "I told you so". Yet, you love me. But my father loves me with all my flaws. That's why I love him and I fear you. When the wolves come for me, you will not save me if I don't do all you ask. You will let the wolves rip me apart, limb by limb and you will watch in amusement, because I didn't live exactly like you asked. That's love? Telling you these things might make me end up in your everlasting fire, but that's fine. After all, people who did all you asked but forgot to do just one of it ended up in your everlasting torment too. That's love? I can't love you. I can only fear you, and that's sad.