Be Like This Little Piggy

Two guys walk into a bar. ...The third one ducks.

What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? ...Ba-na-na-na

Did you know - 5/4 of people are bad at fractions.

A three-legged dog walked into a bar and said, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Someone asked me if I was alright. I replied "No, I'm half left."

Why did the invisible man turn down a job offer? ...He couldn't see himself doing it.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

Cemeteries are one of the most popular places on earth. ...People are just dying to get in.

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

How do you make a kleenex dance? ...Put a little boogie in it.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products? ...Satisfactory.

Bought shoes from a drug dealer. Don't know what they were laced with. I was tripping all day.

Cashier: Would you like the milk in a bag, sir? Me: No, leave it in the carton.

Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? ...Never mind, it's tearable.

Did you know french fries aren't cooked in France? They're cooked in Greece.

Next year I'll give mom the best Mother's Day gift ever: take her shopping and pretend I'm enjoying it!

I told my kids on Mother's Day I want to be pampered. ...So, they bought me diapers.

Toddler: someone who can't hear their name from across the room, but can hear a bag of potato chips being opened through three walls, in a thunderstorm.

Son: Dad, what's it like to have the best son ever? Dad: I don't know, you'd have to ask Grandpa