The least adorable panda of all time. Right here.

Probably because it's me in a panda mask looking like I'm about to rob a bank. DO I LOOK TRUSTWORTHY YET?!

...I didn't rob a bank. But if I did, here's how I would do it:

I would train a squad of monkeys to wield fake guns and carry out specific tasks such as crowd control, breaking into safes, etc. I would then train courier owls to transport said monkeys to and from the bank by carrying them in their talons. That's right, a getaway driver that can fly. The monkeys would rob the bank, nobody would want to hurt them because they're monkeys, mass confusion would lead to a delay in alerting the authorities. By the time the police were notified my monkey crew would already be safely back in the talons of my getaway owls, dropping bags of money down my chimney. I don't have a chimney, but clearly now I need one. I would then donate half of the money to monkey and owl preservation so that my crew would get their cut. I would then donate the rest of the money to kiva.org.

The heist would look something like this:

Foolproof.

Unfortunately for everybody, I'm not going to rob a bank, but I would still like to gather some money to donate to a cause I believe in. That's why I'm here.

I'm a writer. I'm lucky enough to make a living creating weird stories. I am passionate about finding humor in the most unexpected places. I enjoy shedding light on the most embarrassing and emotionally raw moments in life. So I'm going to use this strange new social media platform to share a few of my own. I will primarily write self-deprecating accounts of my many embarrassing and amusingly awkward life moments; the shameful accounts that most people often never discuss. I'm gifting you with a laugh at my expense. And hopefully my shame will help a few people in need by donating the proceeds to kiva.org.

What is kiva? This is a cause I have fervently supported for eight years now. My friend @madillorama decided to start using steemit as a platform to help raise money for kiva and I was inspired to do the same. #steemitforward #steemforchange etc. Kiva is a micro-loan website that puts money directly into the hands of people desperately in need of resources to better their standard of living. As I'm sure you know, many people in this world of ours are struggling to simply survive. A majority of charities donate food, but many individuals and communities have the skill sets necessary to produce their own means of survival and simply lack the resources to make that happen. "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime." These people know how to fish. They just need money for the fishing rod.

So help me buy some fishing rods. In return I will embarrass myself.