And I am willing to do anything - absolutely anything - to get another hit of my life saving supply.
Emotional sobriety day 2.
I identify as a love&sex addict.
For the past 16 years of my life, I have pursued romantic relationships one after another. I always had to have an active romantic interest.
It was the only thing that made human existence bearable.
Without romantic love, my life felt dreadfully empty, meaningless, not worth living.
This week I attended my first SLAA meeting (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous). I'm so glad I pushed through the fears, the shame, the social anxiety to take that first step. You always know from an intellectual standpoint that you are not alone in what you're going through in life. But it still hits different to be surrounded by others who are on the exact same path as yours. Who share their own stories and it's as if they walked in the exact same shoes as yours.
I feel like the past months the universe has been testing me in all sorts of ways. I knew I had to sober up. People may downplay this type of addiction, but boy oh boy the cravings are just as strong and deadly, even if they show up differently. The endless pursuit of emotionally unavailable men has led me in the past months to get raped and on the verge of ending my own life, and still, I could not find the strenght nor the desire to quit.
Even as I'm writing these lines, I cannot guarantee that tomorrow I will not relapse. I literally have to take it minute by minute, hour by hour. It's easy to tell an addict to find healthier alternatives and to engage in them when they eventually get triggered. If it was that easy we would be recovered already. Look, I can read a book, go for a walk, run myself a bath, but don't you think for a split second that it fills the void the same way romantic love does.
It never will, and that's such a hard pill to swallow for me. I will always have that weakness in me. The worst part about love addiction is that I can't for the rest of my life push love&sex aside and never again pursue sex and romantic relationships. With drugs and alcohol, you can make that a possibility. But not with love&sex, nor with food, my two drugs of choice. That makes it that much harder. We're addicts because moderation has nothing on us. For the life of me, don't ask me to restrain myself because I simply can't.
I feel like something died in me the past year. It probably is due to my most painful wound, my abandonment trauma, being triggered as much as it did. I have never came close to considering suicide as much as I did the past few months. The only thing stopping me is my mom. Even at my lowest I know that I can't do this to her as it would be absolutely selfish to end my own pain but to hand her a lifetime of endless suffering. I guess empathy has some upsides.
Until next time, take care ya'll and happy v day in advance while at it.
