I really feel like squirrels and rabbit have conspired against me lately. Squirrels distracting me towards cute bunnies, then shoving me down rabbit holes. They think it's fun. They think it's playful. And often it seems, downright hilarious.
And I do too! Sometimes. But not when I'm trying to keep my mind and thoughts squarely on the work I need to be getting done.
The trouble is, the playfulness and adventure of squirreling is so damn addictive. I love exploring, investigating, and discovering. Relish coming across new ways of thinking and of concepts that expand and challenge my mind. It, along with food, are the greatest pleasures of my life.
I've been told that both can be solved (allegedly) with mindfulness, moderation, and resolve. Told that all I need is the right tools, or the ones someone is trying to sell me this week, and I'll conquer my delectable demons. I also hear the dark, shadowy admonishments of elders in the back of my brain telling me to man up & do what's right.
And I respect that. When all is said and done, and when all the factors of memory issues are taken into account, it is still my decision.
So, as the Rolling Stones sang, "What can a poor boy do?"
That line comes from their song, Street Fighting Man. It speaks of frustration and the desire to lash out when feeling utterly helpless to shape your world. I've been there. Felt there was no one who could understand to to turn to.
Luckily, I have found resolve in a lifeline. It exists on a bright message on my computer desk. Together with daily efforts to improve trigger recognition, they keeps life in check. Create awareness of where my mind is going, and the choices I still own. Choice to acknowledge what's going on. Choice of choosing to follow the tormenting squirrels and bunnies, or choice to walk away. Choice to let all of my best selves exist together for what may be.
Maybe you know the Tale of the Three Brothers from the Harry Potter series. I feel like the third brother. The one that has come to terms with, in that case death, and chose when to walk with it. I choose to walk with my issues, chose when I dance with them, and when I set them aside. When the end grows near, we will fade into the twilight as the unified self I am.
Now, back to work. So long, bunnies. Scatter off, squirrels. I need to shine for a while.