Here at my Fairfax office, one of my specialties is working with people who have ADHD and other executive function issues.
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Many of my clients are adults who are living with another adult. Since we are social creatures, everything we do or say impacts others. In other words, none of us exist in an enclosed bubble. This is never truer than someone who struggles with symptoms of ADHD and lives with someone else, especially if that other person is an intimate partner.
On so many occasions, the partner without ADHD will be full of resentment when the couple comes in my office, I can usually read the body language and discern this, even if the ADHD partner is unaware of the bitterness. The interpersonal dynamic in my office goes something like this, “I have to remind J___ constantly about what needs to be done around the house, s/he just tells me that s/he’ll get to it later, but s/he never does, so I end up doing it.
This happens ALL the time, I’m tired of doing everything!” The other partner usually sits there quietly squirming in his or her chair or responds with something along the lines of “I honestly mean to get to it, but always get distracted by something else.”
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The non-ADHD partner feels like s/he has become a “nag” and unsurprisingly, doesn’t like feeling this way. Anyone who has ever been pestered in this way by a partner, parent or supervisor knows how ineffective this technique is in the long-term. The ADHD partner may even try and make a concerted effort to change but unless s/he understands ADHD and what techniques are effective, s/he will eventually lapse back into old patterns.
This dynamic where one party always feels like the “responsible” partner and the ADHD partner is made to feel like a “child” can have devastating effects on the relationship. Couples who find themselves in such a relationship need to seek help immediately, preferably from a therapist who understands ADHD and how this issue impacts a couple.
Such a therapist can discuss solutions which will have an immediate and positive impact on the relationship. Does any of this sound familiar, if so what are you going to do about it?
