"Anyone with insufficient devotion to freeing Palestine through blood and fire cannot claim to be progressive."
New York, March 28 - A mostly-moribund institution of the Roman Catholic Church that for hundreds of years investigated and led to the punishment of heretics within the faith found new life today when a group of pro-Palestine activists appropriated it and its methods to target Jews in their movements whose fervor for dehumanizing and persecuting other Jews in the name of a free Palestine has proved too tepid.
Members of Students for Justice in Palestine, BDS, and more than a dozen other allied groups dedicated to dismantling the Jewish State and replacing it with yet another repressive Islamic dictatorship, announced today that they have assumed control of the Office of the Inquisition, which ceased to function by that name more than a hundred years ago, and executed its last convicted heretic in 1826, though other punishments were levied for several more years. The group will use the Inquisition's tactics and what it believes were the Inquisition's equipment to identify, investigate, prosecute, and, if necessary, penalize progressive Jews unwilling to countenance any and all violence against Jews and others to free Palestine by any means necessary.
"Anyone with insufficient devotion to freeing Palestine through blood and fire cannot claim to be progressive," explained Linda Sarsour, a former campaign surrogate of Senator Bernie Sanders. "Too many of our Jewish allies have shown hesitancy in that regard. They betray their unwillingness to prioritize the honor and redemption that only the violent destruction of Israel can accomplish, given the shame that Israel's continued existence engenders in Muslims. Those accused heretics will either recant their heresies against the Palestinocentric view of the universe, as the heretics of old were induced to do, or face punishment."
Sarsour became more animated as she described the implements of torture and dismemberment she and her allies hope to wield against convicted Palestine heretics - though scholars warned that such notorious instruments as the Iron Maiden, thumbscrews, and "the Headcrusher," never featured in the actual treatment of Inquisition convicts, even if some local civil authorities in Europe occasionally used them. Others only came into being as inventions of eighteenth- and nineteenth-century fantasists hoping to cash in on the view of medieval justice as uniformly bloodthirsty and brutal.
"It's OK with me if we deviate a little from historical accuracy," admitted Palestine activist and The Nation commentator Mohammed El-Kurd. "Remember, our entire cause posits a sovereign, defined country of bucolic serenity and coexistence until Zionists came along and expelled everyone en masse in 1948, despite none of that being true."
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