For years i have struggled with pain.. migraines, neck, lower back, and wrist pain.
Today my visitor is what feels like period cramps, feeling like i have to pee every five minutes but not being able to go, a shot of pain every time i wipe. It feels as if there is a red hot iron pole going straight through my lower back through my bladder and out my vagina.
I've always had a high tolerance to pain..i resort to "mind over matter" in painful situations.. (i.e; im not in pain im just nauseous. or im not in pain im just anxious)
But days like today..
Wake up, try to urinate, can't, go drink some water and head back to bed.
By now its close to noon and my loves are awake and ready to start their routine, they want to go about their day and i just want to urinate so i cant get rid of this stabbing pain..
if i could just go pee and fully empty my bladder, i wont be in so much pain right?
I dont know how to deal with pain..it just makes me nervous and angry.
nervous because i don't know whats wrong or whats causing this terrible pain.
angry because i cant make it stop..i usually have so much control over situations, but this pain is something i cant control, i cant make it go away.
They let me know they're leaving in a few to go into town, they'll be gone for at least an hour.. this means i have at least and hour to take a hot bath, eat, and try to medicate and get this pain to a tolerable level.. (i hate telling them when im in pain so i try to take care of it while they are away..they worry too much)
The bath was no help, i take some over the counter meds and drink a few glasses of water, i still can't urinate, i mentally take note of my intake to output of liquids ratio..unbalanced as usual.
"always push through the pain"
They're home now..with food and plans for a good day
all i can think about is how much pain im in.
heres where thins get itchy.
im in so much pain, but i dont want to ruin their plans to have a good day, pain turns into anxiety..
(im not in pain, i dont want to ruin this good day.)
they want to watch a movie..i havent urinated in hours and i know ill have to make them pause this movie so i can run to the restroom every 20 minutes but its what they want and they insist it isn't an isssue.
Pain turns into anxiety when i'm trying to play a 'normal' human in my everyday life. saying i can sit down and watch a movie, knowing how much pain im in and how much more pain im going to be in after fighting my urges to go to the bathroom.
pain turns into anxiety when you figure it'd be easier to be physically ill that can be explained rather than be in explainable pain.. "my vagina hurts and i cant urinate" any dr would say "hey you've got a uti" except when they take a urine test to see the infection..there isn't one.. no visible reason as to why im in so much pain.
pain turns into anxiety when not even a medical professional can explain why you're in pain.
Eventually we decided to utilize the pull out, and spend the day cuddling and watching movies, a much needed relaxation day, not just something i needed but all three of us did.
a day of cuddles, love, laughs, and great movies.
Im pretty lucky to have people that at least try to understand what im going through.
tonight i will go to bed hoping that one day i will have an explanation to this pain and hopefully find some sort of treatment, and ill go to bed anxiously hoping that im in less pain tomorrow...a cycle that never ends but i hold onto hope that it will.