“Hey Miss, I don’t think we have any cloth size that fit you here. Why don’t you go over that shop.” Said the salesgirl to me pointing to the plus size shop opposite.
“Oink..Oink…..”, noises made by men as I passed by them.
“Girl, don’t eat so much anymore. You are so fat already.” Said my aunty during a CNY dinner gathering.
Women stared pointing and judging, guys laughed eventhough they are strangers.
I spent so many times in the toilet crying, never wonder ‘Why they are so mean!’ but only wondered ‘Why am I SO FAT!. I LOOK UGLY!’
I grew up disgusted with myself, with low self-esteem and no confidence at all. I fell into depression and didn’t even want to go out and socialize. Yes, maybe some will say “Well, why don’t you do something about it rather than feeling sorry for yourself!”.
My biggest weight was 126kg and I felt like ONE BIG FAT BLOB. And I did do something, I went to slimming centres which does not help and I was desperate) and exercised and went on a strict diet. Yahoo, after so many years I lost weight and I look amazing…..GUESS what..
“OOOOO you are so sexy”
“WOW, amazing..you look great and beautiful”
Men started to notice and started to ask me out. Comments were beautiful and they lifted me up. I felt great and confident.
BUT….I was not happy. Why?
Woke up every morning to check on the mirror to see whether I got fatter after one little heavy meal.
I felt guilty after every meal wondering whether or not they will make me gain weight.
I felt guilty when I am sick or busy and not able to exercise.
I don’t enjoy every food I take and ate them just to avoid gastric.
When I get fatter a bit, people will comment and said “aiyoh, you grew fatter or!”
Then one day, I looked at the mirror and something inside me said “Aren’t you tired? Aren’t you exhausted?”
I answered “YES I AM…”
Then it asked “Aren’t you TIRED trying to be someone whom the society thinks you should be? ”
I answered “DAMN! YES I AM!”
I am tired. Tired of sacrificing myself so that people don’t judge me, so that people are happy with how I look like or behave.
I am tired of the saying “The society detects what and how you should look like”
I am tired of making the society my audience.
So what
If ONE is FAT
If ONE is flat chested
If ONE is too thin
If ONE is born with abnormalities
If ONE is UGLY
If ONE wears funny, sexy clothes
If ONE dates and have casual sex
If ONE does not want to get married or have children
If ONE is not really smart
We are all born as human beings on earth. We are all born to share one place called EARTH. BODY shamming is NO JOKE. Judging someone is NO JOKE. It really hurts and makes one feel bad about themselves. I had suicidal thoughts and fell into depression. Don’t do it to people. Don’t make them feel unlove and unwanted. Why is LOOK so important? SO what if I am Fat…as long I am healthy and active and has a kind-heart and a loving personality.
Now, I ONLY live for ONE audience who is GOD. I exercise and eat healthy for health FOR MYSELF and NOT for others. I will do what I can to care and love my friends, family and others. I smile more now, have more peace, and joy and laughter. I enjoy my food and enjoy my beer (😊).
For those who are also going through what I went through, you are NOT ALONE. Don’t let anyone steal your joy, your laughter, your self esteem and ESPECIALLY your LIFE. You only have one LIFE, so embrace it with peace, love, joy and FUN. Don’t let BODY shamming, Judgements control who you are. YOU ARE AWESOME and YOU ARE GREAT and most importantly YOU ARE LOVED.