Due to a recent conversation with Shay Perrings from HR, I've decided that BlockCorp employees new and old need a refresher on the Employee Breeding Program. As you all know, when we took over Steemit.com we brought on a lot of new faces. Our parent company and founder, Mrs Fitzgibbons Home-Mined Blocks and Duck Farm has had an rigorous breeding program in place since 2006. This allowed Mrs Fitzgibbons to have not only the finest ducks but the most productive employees possible.
Blockcorp is proud to continue the tradition of selective employee breeding. Please see the attached powerpoint presentation regarding our Employee Breeding Program or EBP.
Employee Breeding Program
Selective breeding has been around for thousands of years. It's allowed the propagation and creation of familiar fruits, vegetables and domesticated animals such as the cow, turkey and lemur to be farmed for their delicious meat foods.
Through the centuries we've bred out the cow's poison glads, the turkey's many deadly spikes and almost eradicated the common house lemur's tendency to explode.
Yet only recently have we brought these techniques and technologies into the business world!
Each of our employees are required to submit a DNA sample upon being hired. This DNA is analysed by a team of professional unpaid interns and then cross-matched against our company database to find the best match to produce the next generation of productive, docile staff.
Working in close quarters for 18-22 hours a day can create bonds between co-workers that can spring into love, casual sex, or obsessive stalking. These are natural human conditions we have been unable to control with brainwashing or genetic engineering, so we've decided to embrace them as part of what makes us human (and mutant plant zombies).
We encourage the coupling of authorized reproductive partners and have installed Love Lounges on each of our many floors. Navigating the world of love, when restricted by rigorous genetic testing and selective protocols can get confusing so we've created a fun mascot Spermy the Sperm, to help everyone remember the most important aspects of EBP.
A - Abstain
Abstain from intercourse with unathorized breeding partners A list of authorized breeding partners can be obtained from the wise and all-knowing F:Drive or from your regional HR department. Feel free to copulate with anyone on this list. However, abstain from intercourse, heavy petting, fliration, or even eye contact with anyone not on this list. These unathorized pairings can result in your being fired...
... out of a cannon mounted on the roof.
B - Boink
Boink authorized breeding partners. Once you've been paired off with one of your coworkers, it's your duty to produce offspring as quickly as possible. These offspring are to be surrendered to BlockCorp Industries as soon as possible. There is no need to bring the child to term, merely submit yourself to one of the surgical centers to have the little bundle of joy removed and transferred to BlockCorp's EBP Dept Managers.
C - Cloning
Cloning is an option! In our diverse workplace not all of our employees will be paired with members of the opposite sex. Sometimes the most productive and docile employees can come from a union of Adam and Steve! Sexual orientation, gender identity can all create difficulties in the biological production of children. We've got you covered! Simply supply a sample of saliva to one of our cloning center and within hours our highly-skilled unpaid interns will produce a clone offspring of you! This clone will be kept in suspended animation until your death. Rest assured that you will be immediately replaced without any drop in productivity! Your family will probably not even notice the difference!
In closing, Shay it's totally possible to go on a date with me on Friday. I checked with HR and our children would be highly docile and productive! Too bad about your inevitable union meeting on Thursday.
Fecundity,
Renee Nouveau
Public Relations for the
Secret Society Division
From the Email Archives of the BlockCorp Industries Servers:
"We have a working relationship; He does all the work and I have all the relationships." Renee Nouveau in Musings on Polamory
Subject: Considering the Environment?
Subject: Class Q Plants and You
Subject: Cleaned my area so dan and ned have less work at BCI and more time with steemit
Subject: Quarantine Measures + Company Picnic?
Subject: Zombie Coworking and Management Strategies
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