Promised thing, due thing, every Thursday, from now on, we have a special coaching appointment. In my post of last Thursday, A year where everything becomes possible. I invited you to think about the color you wanted to give to your year.
This week, since I was talking to the "mothers in search of serenity", I wanted to come back to what a Zen mother is, in the end, for you, for me, and for others.
In short, what do we hear just behind these two little words which, at their very mention, let us think about them in turn ("Ah, if only I were a Zen mother"), dreamy ("One day, maybe"), or downright doubtful ("In fact, not ever!")?
As Erik Pigani, psychologist, journalist and author of Papa Zen (2004, Presses du Châtelet) put it so well,"the two terms are almost antinomic as the universe of Zen seems so far removed from the daily lives of today's fathers and mothers".
Julie Lemaire, a specialist in Zen Mommy, gives us her own definition:"A Zen Mommy is a mother who is at peace with what she is. She is able to listen to herself and trust herself. For Mylène, with a lot of humor, it's"a mother with 48-hour days". For Bérangère, it is "a mother who knows how to listen to her children with the necessary hindsight whatever the situation".
You have understood that there are tens, hundreds, thousands of definition of what a Zen mother is and as many as there are mothers on earth of course, only one is valid: which is yours. But first, let's review our fundamentals with this little definition of serenity...
Definition of a serene person: A serene person is a person who is cloudless, calm, free from disturbance, restlessness. which translates the peace of mind, impartiality that is serene justice.
Synonyms: calm, tranquility, happiness, happiness, patience, philosophy, placidity, tranquility, peace, security, well-being, happiness, ataraxy (absolute peace of mind), peace, phlegm. That's the theory. Maternity does not always mean serenity in practice.
Here are 10 tips to manage your tribe in serenity and finally become a Zen mom!
1- Calm parent, calm child
If you want to calm your child down, be calm yourself. You are your child's first example. You cannot demand from your child what you are incapable of doing yourself. For a child, what we say, think and do is an example. Their need to admire us is part of their need for security.
Yet, harassed and stressed, we often have neither the patience nor the time to be fully attentive to our children. They are tired, agitated, looking for points of reference that we find increasingly difficult to give them. Calm is a tool that can be cultivated on a daily basis.
To practice calm does not mean to mimic impassivity or cut oneself off from one's emotions.
To be calm is on the contrary a call to return to oneself, an invitation to question oneself in depth. What makes me crazy when my child is insolent or stubborn? Why do I feel like I have to scream to be heard? To an angry child, show measured gestures, slow down your movements, soothe your thoughts and let them enter your bubble of serenity.
2- Play on tone and volume
Faced with children who pose a problem, it is easy to understand how one can end up screaming. You ask them to do something, but they don't do it then you raise your voice and nothing changes. You scream and they scream even louder. Remember that screaming doesn't help you or your child either. Lower your voice instead of shouting, lower the volume of your voice. Change your voice register.
Get down to be at your child's height and look at him in the eye. Show him that you are determined and not joking. If you scream to get what you want, your child will imitate you. If you know how to stay calm in difficult situations, your child will also learn to behave calmly. And you'll reduce stress for the whole family.
3- Reduce noise and promote calmness
Noise is part of family life, but most of the time, the television stays on while no one is watching it, the phone rings and many more. However, noise as such is really stressful. while calmness is restful. Ideally, what would be nice would be to spend at least one evening a week quietly in the house.
4- Taking a break with your child
In a world where everything has to go fast, the computer, the car, meals, school, homework, give yourself and your children a break where you are NOT doing ANYTHING.
It means holding them in your arms, closing your eyes on the couch, being silent for 5 minutes, taking a deep breath in pairs or just looking into each other's eyes. In short, give yourself time to be and not to do.
5- Decide to remain calm
You're the only one who can regain your composure. Knowing that you are the one who can help you calm down is liberating. You decide how the situation evolves, not your child. Even if it doesn't always seem obvious to you, you are in charge.
The first step to feeling calmer is believing in yourself and your ability to manage the situation (this refers to the definition of serenity presented in the introduction).
If you feel the tension rise, react before it gets worse. You're the one who knows you best.
6- Think before you speak and breathe
Think about what you're going to say before you open your mouth. Count to three before you say anything. This will help you feel in control of the situation rather than reacting to your child's behavior. Take 1 minute to breathe. Calm down with every breath. Use this time to think about what you're going to say.
7- Find an alternative to your impatient access.
When you are in the throes of becoming really angry, ask yourself how else to do it. Breathe slowly, take a 3-minute break, leave the room, pass the baton to your partner, relativize and take a piece of chocolate.
8- Bringing calm home
Invite silence at home by turning off your TV for example immediately brings peace and quiet back home. Show your child how to listen to silence for about 10 mn, every evening, turn off the radio, TV and other noisy devices, dim the light and sit down comfortably to enjoy the silence of the night. You will see that silence is alive and you will quickly feel the inner calm.
Know how to disconnect: ban screens, turn off your mobile phone and no longer be reachable, there are many ways to "disconnect". Everyone's got their own. Establish "calm weather": 10 minutes, half an hour, half an hour, an hour, in the evening before going to bed, or in the afternoon.
The technique of the pause: the "pause" can be akin to punishment, the "corner" but more positive. When the tea towel burns, it gives you and your child time to calm down. The break gives you some leeway to decide how to resolve the situation, it gives you time to get your mind back. It also allows you to talk to your child after you have calmed down and regained control of the situation. You can tell him or her what's wrong and avoid saying things that you would regret afterwards.
Find the right place for a break, without distractions, such as the corridor. Explain to your child that this time should be used for each of you to reflect on what happened.
Set a time limit: 3 minutes if child of 3 years, 5 minutes if child of 5 years. Do not pay any more attention to it during the whole period of the break.
9- Practice "serene firmness"
Between 18 months and 3 years of age, the child enters a period of opposition (also known as the baby's "adolescence phase") and puts the nerves of the parents under severe strain.
He says no and revolts against the rules, shouts and makes mistakes. In fact, he tests the reality and authority represented by his parents. He discovers his own needs and desires.
Since this new need for affirmation runs up against external resistance and is systematically slowed down, the child tries to impose his will. He becomes rebellious and stubborn until he loses control and is subjected to a terrible outburst of anger. Since he has not yet learned to control his feelings, he sometimes expresses them violently.
It is precisely at these times that we must establish rules of life and rituals, paying close attention to his understanding of them. If you enter the battle by making terror, threat, violence reign, you will get short-term results, based on fear and not understanding.
During the opposition phase, your child needs to be understood and reassured even more, because this is a difficult time for him or her as well.
1- Show him that we understand: in fact, his behavior does not conceal any bad intention. In fact, he lacks the words to express his feelings. We can help him by saying,"You're very angry because..."
2- Wait patiently for anger to end: The best thing to do is to hold your child against you and console him/her. Anyway, always take it seriously.
3- Be nice but firm: It is not a question of breaking her child's will. It is not a matter of power.
4- Finally, pay attention to the vocabulary you use: Instead of "you have to", prefer for example:"we dine now" and give enough advance notice. We need to be firm and flexible at the same time, using your child's intelligence and humor.
Because he can show you all his intelligence if you consider him to be an adult "in the making" and not a little one who needs to be trained. Serene firmness is the best response to shouting and anger.
10- Choose your battles
Set limits on what really matters to you (your values), not everything or anything, at the risk of drowning your child in "don't do this, don't do that", and blurring the message. Nor will he know the difference between what is important and what is not.
Distinguish between points or principles on which you don't compromise (respect, typing, etc.) and small unimportant things. It avoids getting angry for nothing.
Finally, be clear with what you ask them: contradictory messages are anti-constructive.
Yes, it's yes and no, it's no. The child will know how to perceive the slightest hesitation and interfere in what he or she sees as a flaw. It is important for the parent to be confident when they ask their child for something. It's a matter of trust. It's up to you!
Think about what would change for you and your family if you could be calmer, especially when you're tired and stressed and your child pushes you to the limit. Remember the last time you lost your composure with your children? Now imagine the same scene, but imagine reacting calmly to this situation.