The two biggest things people are surprised to learn about me are; that I am not an underwear model, and I’m not a pothead. I would love to be a stoner and walk around fucked up all day but my body won’t allow it. People ask me to smoke out with them all the time and I’m like, “Sure, if you want to watch me take a nap.” I take one puff and I’ll sit there like a mute retard for half an hour and then pass out. Having said that, when I get high, I sleep like a baby on two tablespoons of Benadryl. Unfortunately, I’m a grown ass adult. So I can’t sneak out behind the garage and come back smelling like I just got home from a Snoop Dog concert.
I decided to combine my love of being naughty, cooking, and passing the fuck out in a coma; and make my own THC e-Juice. I Googled several recipes but they were all very different so I combined a few recipes to see what would happen.
The first thing to do is go to a state with legal recreational marijuana to purchase and cook, which I totally did. I definitely didn't buy half an ounce off some kid at work who I wound up having to fire for being a lazy piece of shit. Chop up your completely legal weed to increase the surface area of your nugs, but don’t grind it to a powder.
This part is important: You need heat to activate the THC. That’s why you smoke or bake weed to get fucked up. Otherwise, you just wind up with some bullshit that cures cancer or helps your grandma’s glaucoma. Take your hippie salad and bake it at 220 degrees for 30-40 minutes. This is called decarboxylation. Basically, as soon as your house starts to smell like a skunk’s asshole and your cabbage turns slightly brown it is ready. You don’t want to burn off all the good stuff.
Next, pour the highest percent alcohol you can find over your decarboxylated weed to where it just covers it. Don’t get greedy and use half a bottle or you’ll wind up with weak juice.
Put your alcohol solution in the freezer between an hour and a month, depending on how patient you are. This will help extract the THC from your Jerry Garcia highball. Once done, take your concoction and let it get to room temperature. We’re going to be putting this shit on the stove, and heating up ice cold grain alcohol can get a little explodey. Fill up a pan with water and put your weed in it. Heat it up to about 140 degrees and cook until most of the alcohol has evaporated. Strain out what’s left into another container, top off your weed jar with more alcohol and do it again…and again. This will give you some happy, green, THC filled ambrosia.
Strain out your mixture with a coffee filter to get all the organic particles out.
“I took this step a little literally.”
Pour it into something large and flat, like a baking pan, and set it out over-night to evaporate.
I put it under a fan to speed up the process. My mix wound up something like this.
I added the remnants of my last attempt and didn’t strain it so it came out dirtier than it should have. In a perfect world, it should theoretically be prettier and more of an amber color (or so the internet told me). Scrape that shit up with a razor blade. It should be a thick, syrupy goo.
Recipes for THC E-juice call for a mixture of propylene glycol and vegetable glycerin. I went for straight vegetable glycerin for reasons I can’t remember while drunk and ordering ingredients from Amazon. I mixed my THC goo with 5 ounces of glycerin. I’m 100% sure I got greedy as fuck and used WAY too much glycerin, but whatever. I’ll just smoke more. Heat up the glycerin and add your essence of Willy Nelson. Cook for 20 minutes over medium heat, stirring constantly.
I added a little almond extract to my mix for a nice Amaretto taste. Put your e-juice into a cheap vaporizer and enjoy getting high while not carrying around paraphernalia or smelling like you just butt fucked Peppy Le Pew.
I had to strain my mix again because it still had a bunch of green shit floating around from the old batch I added and made it hit pretty harsh.
I took the leftover weed slag and put it into an innocent looking empty bottle of olive oil and filled it up with the rest of my grain alcohol to sit on a shelf for a few months. That lasted all of two days before I started doing shots because I ran out of wine. Man, I got Fuuuuuuucked up, passed out, and was high as fuck the entire next day. It was a tough day at work.
The juice was passable but I have a lot more work to do. If anyone has any suggestions I’d be happy to hear your experiences making E-Juice. Honestly, I preferred the alcohol slag shots more than anything else, but maybe it’s just because it has enough alcohol to make you go blind.