Chapter 1
When I married my first wife I thought I was the luckiest man in the world.
"You two look so good together," they would always say. It was a wedding like no other.
I danced myself silly.
It truly was a fairy tale wedding.
I even made my own special vows.
Cheers to the happy couple!
That was us.
Two years later, however, and our marriage was on the rocks.
My job was stressful.
My boss was demanding.
And our relationship was beginning to suffer.
We thought about having a kid, but I was having difficulty performing.
Whenever we were about to get frisky I would get a call from work about an urgent problem that needed fixing and have to leave in a hurry.
It was enough to make me scream.
Then one day my wife had an idea. What about an exotic animal?
Since having a kid was out of the question, the thought did cross my mind.
It would bring joy to the household.
Give us something to bond over
And perhaps make up for something we lacked in our marriage.
So that day we resolved to get in our Volkswagen and head to the nearest rare animal dealer.
"The name's Zeke. I am the finest animal wrangler in this region".
"We are looking for a rare animal" I said.
"You are in luck," he said with a wild look in his eye.
"This thing can handle almost anything you throw at it".
"It's nice and all, I'm just not sure it's what we a looking for. You see, it's for our marriage"
"I understand completely," he said with a knowing glance.
"This reptile is particularly aggressive."
"Isn't he cute!" My wife said.
"So what'll it be?"
"He's adorable" I said. "I'm just not sure we can afford it".
"You can pay in installments."
"C'mon honey. Let's take him home".
"Ok," I said. "Do you take cards?"
"Of course," he said
"She needs wrangling," the dealer said.
"Can't I hire someone to do that for me?"
"I guess," he said, rolling his eyes "not man enough for the job, eh?"
"No! I'm a man. Gimme that reptile. I'll show you."
"That's what they all say. Pleasure doing business with you. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha"
He paused for a moment to catch his breath.
"Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha"
Chapter 2
At first things seemed all hunky dory when we took home this little bundle of joy.
I asked my wife what we should call him.
"Well I always dreamed of having a son and calling him Tristan."
I was well aware that she wanted a beautiful boy named Tristan. She even changed the password on the email account we share to "Tristan" and would talk endlessly about that name when we were trying to have a baby.
She went to all the trouble to paint our spare room baby blue for the day when we would be pregnant and young Tristan was on his way.
Sadly I was never able to give her the boy she wanted due to my... problem
"Tristan it is," I said
The next few weeks were a joy. I never knew I was capable of loving another creature the way I loved young Tristan.
And my wife was proud. At work she would regale her co-workers with stories of our little boy. "Tristan chipped his first claw today," she would say. She was so proud to be a mother.
We would take long trips to the store to buy crickets and toys for the cold blooded tot. It was a dream.
But after a couple of months, the honeymoon was over. Pretty soon Tristan began to be a headache.
It was really hard to get enough sleep with such a demanding lizard.
He needed wrangling.
At first my wife and I tried to share the wrangling duties to attempt to get some shut eye.
Sometimes we would have to let him sleep in the bed with us when he wouldn't get to sleep.
All of this was beginning to take a toll on me.
It was effecting my performance at work and my boss was upset.
"You were supposed to send that spreadsheet to me two weeks ago. One more slip up and you'll be summarily dismissed"
What's more, my wife's nursing job often required her to work the graveyard shift, forcing me to handle wrangling responsibilities all alone.
Tristan was getting bigger.
And his constant appetite for more and more bugs took a toll on my wallet.
He was also getting stronger.
As time went by it became abundantly clear that I wasn't strong enough to wrangle him.
Needless to say this was taking a toll on our marriage.
"Why can't you wrangle him!" My wife would scream.
"I can't, I said". "I'm not strong enough.
"Fine!" She said "We'll have to hire a wrangler ourselves. Guess we'll have to give up the cable".
"We'll make sacrifices, honey" I said. "But I know this will work out in the end. Now let's go to bed"
"No" she replied, cruelly "you'll sleep on the couch tonight".
The next morning we looked in the yellow pages for a live-in reptile wrangler.
"Hm, this guy seems good" I said. "Let's give him a shot".
"G'day mate. You said you are looking for a live-in reptile wrangler. I can start right away. Crickey!"
Chapter 3
Although our marriage was on the rocks, we decided to try to make it work. We broke down and hired a live-in lizard wrangler.
"G'arvo mate. I ga' a call say der' wiz a right bludger inis' house wan' me to right wrangle 'is lizayzzy".
"Yes that's right. His name is Tristan and he's particularly aggressive".
"Fair Dinkum?"
"What?"
"Fair dinkum?"
"What?"
"Fair dinkum?"
"I beg your pardon"
"Yew' spake' Ingish', mate?"
"Yes," I said "I have a Masters in English literature from the University of Chicago".
"Well, him is a right, well puff izzay? No wunner' dis' dag don't have tha' hard yakka to wrangle 'is lizayzy"
"Me neva' wiz' wun' fer' Uni me-self. After me dad died me went to work right in da' bush wrasslin' crocs in the nuddy"
"Oh, I'm sorry about that. That sounds terrible," I said.
"Ah, it wuzunt' so bad! Dem' crocs is good people once yew' get to know em'.
"An' who might da' lovey' lady be?" He said kissing my wife on her palm.
"Ya' look more bootiful' den' a wallabe on Christmas," he said.
"Alright enough of that. Let's talk business. Can you wrangle my lizard for me or not?"
"Yis' I reckon so, but it will cost ya' two quid a week and all tha' Foster's I can drink."
"Deal," I said. "When can you start?"
"Me can start straight away, mate. Me wrangle right now"
"Wrangle him? With what? You don't have any equipment."
"Me can use me mighty strength, guvna"
"Alright. Just be careful," I said.
"Easy girl, ya' alright, ya' alright girl" he said in a gentle voice as he entered the terrarium.
"You iz' a bootiful' lizayzzy. Bootiful you. Now you stay put!"
"Stay put! I say!"
"I'll right wallop you! I will, I will!"
Something was beginning to go wrong. Tristan was overpowering the Australian.
"Ahhhhhhh! Grrrrrrrrrrr! Rrrrrrrrraaaoaooaogh" the Australian grunted as he tangled with the beast.
"A tinny! A tinny!"
"A what?" I asked.
"Git me a tinny, mate!"
"What's a tinny?" I asked panicking.
"A tinny, mate! A tinny! Git' me a can of Foster's!"
He gulped it down in one fell swoop. With his renewed strength he pinned the creature down to the floor.
He let out a loud belch as he climbed out of the terrarium.
"Well mate, I'm right sponkered. I need a bath."
"The shower is this way," said my wife.
TO BE CONTINUED